Hush now, don't you cry

The title is the first line from Silent Lucidity by Queensryche.

So it's the start of a new year tomorrow. New years resolutions??? Stop trying to be something I'm not, stop trying to make excuses for being me, stop being FAT and stop trying to make this blog happier than my last one when all I really do on either is bitch about things.

So yeah, this is a bitchfest throughout any blog I would take the time to write.

Nothing's really changed with me this year. I thought it had, but it hasn't. The one thing I've learned this year is that even when you think you've left all your demons behind you, they always, ALWAYS come back to bite you in the arse.

In case anyone's wondering, my birthday was great. So was christmas. But now it's all over, it's back to the same old shite.

I have become jaded, I have no beleif.

In myself or anyone else. In anything.

Soon I shall have another nephew and I can't get excited about it. Then my other sisters getting married and a couple of months after she's having a baby too.

And I don't particularly feel excited about any of it. What kind of bitch can't even get excited about that for her family?

And I'm not particularly excited about going to see Murderdolls either.

I'm not excited about anything, I'm not bothered about anything, I'm NOT. I am just nothing. I feel nothing right now.

I'm sure that's not normal.

Haven't had a bath in a while, hate the sight of myself, makes me wanna puke.
I took all the pictures of my friends down that had me in and put them in my memory box. The only one that's still out is the one Sammie and Dale framed for my birthday, but I'm covered up with my slipknot flag.

Went clothes shopping the other day for something to wear to Kay's wedding. Puke. I didn't. Wanted to. Needed to. Just the sight. Just thinking about it makes me wanna puke.

Just wanna tear my face to shreds and be done with it. Wonder whether that'll fit the stupid fuckers criteria?!

Trying not to give up on this BTEC. I know I'm not going to UNI. No way. Can't afford it. Can't handle it.

But mum would kill me hersefl if I drop out of the BTEC. I don't want to, I just don't particularly want to leave the house either.

And we have a trip on wednesday to London. London...the capital...filled to the brim with people...with the sickness...the virus...humanity.

I actually feel sick now.

"I want to carry a piece of who I was before
So when I hit the wall I really hit the wall"

Overwieght - Blue October

I don't even know what to write now. I had all this stuff in my head to get out but now I can't think of what to say.

Merry F*cking Christmas

I thought I'd get the merry xmas done and dusted in the title cos I don't know if I'll blog again before the big day.

Don't know how long it's been since I last posted and I was thinking about it today so decided to come and say hello.

Photography is going GREAT! It's so much fun and really fascinating. My friends are awesome, I love them to pieces, and my teachers rock.

My mum's being so ridiculously supportive and everything's going great.

I've had a few bumps recently but it's all good.

I was just thinking that I really wish Jared and Jensen were still on facebook so I could ask them some questions for the units we got the brief for today.

Also wish I could show Jensen my tattoo, and tell him I got an A for the GCSE (which if you'll remember from earlier in my blog, I was studying when I talked to him.)

Of course, all that's assuming that the men I was talking to were the real Jared and Jensen so let me rephrase and say that I wish I could talk to them, safe in the knowledge that it's really them, and ask them some questions for my brief.

There was an article in the latest Supernatural Magazine about Jensen's directorial debut 'Weekend At Bobby's', episode 4 of season 6. It was absolutely fascinating and educational. Gave me quite a bit to think about as far as my own concepts for films are concerned.

I'm having Sammie, Dale and Hope round for my birthday, can't wait. And then for christmas we're actually going to my sisters for xmas dinner. That's a new one. Should be good fun.

I've hurt my wrist which is annoying but hey ho.

It's really not so obsessive to blog when you're not pissed off. I've found that now that I'm in a better place as far as events in my life happening now are concerned, I don't really blog or write in my black books as much as I used to.

I guess that should be considered a good thing although I worry sometimes that I'm doing what I was afraid I'd do...which is forget about the things that were making me so mad, like if I forget them, then I'm just shrugging them off like everyone else does and not thinking they still matter when obviously they do.

Kinda hard to explain but...

Anyways, I'm knackered

Laters xXx