Late New Start

Been a while. Thought I'd post.

There's a moment in your life when you're all screwed up and everything and you keep thinking right, from now on, I'm not gonna be screwed up anymore. But each time you say that, more shit gets dumped on you and then you're back to square one.
And then something happens, something really...I don't know, profound maybe...and it hits you that you should be living your life, not wallowing in whatever pain you're cradling like a child.

Well, I think my 'moment' just happened. Not literally seconds ago, but recently. I would have thought it would have been becoming an aunt. But that didn't work. I'm kinda scared of new born babies anyways.
No. On Sunday 20th February 2011, so three days ago, my sister Kay and her fiance Andy got married.
Seeing everyone together and just seeing the more vulnerable and loving side of my family was a beautiful thing.

There's been several boomf moments recently that have made me think that I should try letting go of things that I've been clinging too.
As is obvious from the rest of my blog, I'm a huge fan of Supernatural and believe it or not, that has had a very positive effect on me. I mean I've loved things before, like bands and tv shows and films and stuff...but Supernatural has really knocked some sense of self into me.

I went to see Murderdolls on the 4th of February and that really boosted my confidence. When I went to see Slipknot on the 5th of December 2008, I got totally overwhelmed and had a major panic attack a song or two into Slipknot's set, and then missed the next four from being in the medic room, so although after that was amazing, it wasn't the best night of my life.

But when I went to see Murderdolls, I just got it into my head that I wasn't going to let it happen again. I was literally on the barrier for most of their set and Joey Jordison (who has been a hero of mine for many years) gave me his guitar pick, and I got my picture taken with two other members of Murderdolls (Jack and Roman) and four members of one of the support bands, The Defiled (AVD, Stitch, Luke and Vincent). I had a whale of a time and it really kind of opened my eyes to the fact that I can go to things like that and deal with that amount of people and not totally freak out.

And then my sisters wedding. She looked beautiful. They both did. And one of the greatest things about it was seeing the softer side of my dad.
Everyone was on top form and just the whole thing was beautiful, I can't even put it into words... I'm so proud of them and happy for them and had such a good time that every time I think about it I feel like my hearts about to burst - and that isn't even exagerating.

The only bummer was that my photo's didn't come out as well as I was hoping but it's still experience.
The official photographer, Colin, was really nice and really encouraging, and we got talking and he said that he sometimes has students out on a job with him and that he'd keep me posted about any upcoming jobs and see if there was one where they wouldn't mind me tagging along.

The interview at college is coming up. I'm getting a suit this weekend and I've decided that I'll make my brief wedding photography, since I already have photo's - we only have one week to do all the work for the interview so...

I was going to make it all film-oriented as that's what I want to go into rather than traditional photography, but I don't have enough time, money, resources or crew to do what I wanted to.

Still, it's all part of the learning process so...

I sent my CV to this place so I'm waiting to hear back from them.

Uh...what else...

My basic plan of action is that I'll finish up the BTEC and I am NOT going to University. Instead, I'm going to get a job just to cover driving lessons and getting a car and then I'm going to start applying for PA jobs, which is known to be the best way of getting your foot in the door of the film industry.

Then I can keep working on scripts etc and aim to be a 2nd Assistant Director until I have enough experience to be an actual director.

I'm gonna start going to the gym and stuff cos I wanna tone up as I'd like to do some acting as well.

Not that I know if I can act but...don't know til you try so I may as well give it a shot.

When I was talking to Jared on Facebook (assuming of course that it was him), he said that if I wasn't sure I could act to take a few lessons.
There was this thing in the booklet for the Wyvern Theater about stuff so I'll check it out.

Which I think I'm gonna go do right now.

That's pretty much it for updates...Oh, I don't know if I posted this but I got a distinction and merit for Mary's first project and a merit and merit for Ruth's and I'm gonna resubmit some stuff to put Mary's merit up to a distinction.

Later

FOR CLIFF

- This post is for Cliff should he choose to follow my link.

I can't contact anyone else to ask, so I'm so sorry to bother you with this but this has been bugging me for months.
In August 2010, I was speaking on Facebook with Jensen Ross Ackles and Jared Tristan Padalecki, they were pages on profiles and then Jensen said that because people kept trying to add his actual profile, he had decided to delete it and the 'Like' pages for him and Jared too.
I have since found that everyone everywhere, including on twitter, say that Jared and Jensen don't do social networking but what they did and said was ridiculously convincing and so I was wondering if you would know whether it was really them or not.
I understand that this makes me look incredibly gullible but like I said, they were both very convincing so I was wondering whether maybe they had decided to give FB a go and after what Jensen said about people trying to get on his profile, they decided their original idea of not social networking was best.

You must get questions about them all the time being their bodyguard and all, and I'm really sorry to bug you cos I guess it must get annoying, but it's really annoying me not knowing for sure.
I got my first tattoo because of a conversation I had with Jensen on FB and I probably would have got it anyways, but since the original concept came from him, I'm sure you can understand how it would have more sentimental value to it if it really did come from Jensen.

Thanks for reading and if you could find out some way I would be so appreciative and grateful.

Take care

Max (When I was on Facebook, I was talking to them with my name as Rhiannon 'Suze' Holbrook)

xXx

Hesitate

Isn't what I'm listening to...but it's on this album. Finally got Audio Secrecy by Stone Sour. By my calculations, I go to see Murderdolls next friday. Pretty exciting.

Isn't it funny how you meet people and you think they're amazing and then months later you realise you'd probably be better off without them because simply thinking about them pisses you off.

Don't wanna go to college tomorrow. Failing miserably. And I was doing so well. Public relations screws me over every fucking time.

I got a distinction for unit one, a high merit for unit 35. Mary said that I was so close to getting a distinction for 35 too that I just had to write a technical review of how I did everything and resubmit. Which I'm gonna do. Then even if I fail I can say I got a distinction for at least one of the projects I did.

I always start out well. I start out with determination, focus yadda, yadda, yadda. Then slowly and surely I just get worn down until I'm failing and usually this is the point when I drop out and tell the world to go screw itself.

But mum won't let me drop out which is fine because it's not exactly the only option open to me.

My right arm is a beautiful mass of cuts and scars right now. Left arms a bit disappointing but mum says I can't do anything to it because we're gonna put a stretch bandage on my right and say I sprained my wrist for Kay's wedding.

But after the wedding I can do what I want to either arm.

I can't wait for the wedding to be over. It's ruining everything right now. Not to mention the fact that it's a large gathering of people, most of which I don't even know, that I have nothing in common with, which means it'll be stuffed full of fucking small talk. Which means all I'm going to do is eat and drink. Which is never good.

And if I don't get hold of a cigarette soon I seriously am going to kill someone.

laters peeps

Rethink

Howdy y'all,

Listening to Ramble on by Zep.

In a relatively good mood. Can't believe I'm almost through the first year of this BTEC. Also can't believe that we're half way through January already. Time goes so fast.

So, just read on Twitter that Corey Taylor's book release has been pushed back to July (I think, it was either June or July), so that he can have a proper book tour. Fingers crossed that that book tour will bring him to England :P
Also read from Jim Beaver that He, Jensen and Mitch are all feeling a little under the weather so hopefully they'll get better soon.

Had to write a life plan for Photography. Where I want to be in one year, three years, five years and ten years.
The future is hazy. Didn't really care what happened in my future but now I'm not so sure.
I know what I want to spend the rest of my life doing. I have so many ideas to try out. But I could fall flat on my face.

Mum suggested I make an appoinment at the docs and ask her to get me another assessment with the CMHT. I think I'll do it after Uni and everything though. Chances are I won't need to by then, but if I do it now, I don't want any consequences of going to interfere with my course or my degree if I get on it.

I'm feeling pretty good :)

Been really down last couple of weeks but...nah I'm good again now.

Laters peeps XD

New life and renewed death

Okay, so yesterday, when I was well into my decision of rotting, at 7 something in the evening, my sister gave birth to her third child, a beautiful baby boy called Gabriel. Go her for her choice in names. She has two arc angels already, Michael and Gabriel.

Mum said to me yesterday "You've been cooped up in your room the last two days, you're worrying me."

Dunno how I feel about that. I mean...she noticed...but only cos she was moody about being on her own for new years day...

She was bitching about the fact that dad only talks to her about WoW... honestly I'm surprised they haven't divorced. But they both see it as we've been married 23 years what's the point in divorcing now... besides which...dad would be absolutely fucked without mum.

He's too dependant on her. I mean she does everything, the bills, the shopping, the rent, all of it. All dad does is go to work, come home, play WoW, repeat.

His brains rotting and he doesn't even care. I don't think he gives a crap what happens, with anything.

Of course, neither of them do the housework, that's my job. Dad never has as far as I remember and mum can't anymore cos of her back.

Not that I'm complaining. I mean, I hate it, I do...but it could be worse, in fact it has been worse. It was shittier when all my sisters were home and Giz didn't clean cos she was fucked in the head, Kay didn't cos she was at Spots to get away from everything here and Kim didn't because she was fucked in the head. Guess who it fell on?

I admit, not all the time. I remember dad buying Kay a pack of biscuits cos she was the only one that day who actually did her job. I was sulking if I remember rightly.

But in the later years everyone automatically assumed I'd do it. Which pissed me off. And now mum and dad automatically assume I'll do it.

Mum at least acknowledges that I clean up for them. Dad doesn't say anything. He never really talks to me. He talks to me now more than he did but it's not like we actually have anything to talk about.

Sometimes I think to myself, he's not my dad, he just happens to be the guy who got my mum pregnant with me. He just happens to live with us.

He hates me because I'm not a boy. I'm the youngest, the last chance he had to have a son...but I had to go and fuck up and come out a girl, didn't I!

And hey, I get it, I swear to GOD, I was supposed to be a boy.

But something went wrong. I'm all wrong.

Ain't life a fucking peach.

Dying slowly is a pain in the arse.

Revert

So my blog looks pretty much the same as my old one did. It's like my new one and my old one merged together without going through the hassle of making a third blog, which would be pointless.

Trying to ignore how hideous and deformed I feel...feel, I am...but it's not really working.
My mum said to me the other day, you're beautiful in your own way. (Check me out and my rhyming self!) But to me, that's just what you say to ugly people when you can't lie flat out without insulting their intelligence but you're too nice to just come out and say that they're ugly.

I admit, I've let myself fall back into my old way of thinking because quite frankly, I don't care. I miss being me. I miss wallowing in my fucking twisted madness. I miss accepting that I'm not getting anywhere and I'm tired of trying when I know I'm gonna lose.

I had a little spurt of energy and for some stupid reason thought that I might actually get somewhere this time...but now that energy is all gone and I'm tired again.

I'm just tired.

I'm prepared to lose everything I have, I'm prepared to push away everyone who says they care, whether they really do or not. I'm prepared to be alone and I'm fully prepared to rot.

Most of the time, people look for a reason on the outside for someone to be fucked in the head. What are their parents like, is someone abusing them, have they been raped, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I don't have an outward reason, all I have left of me is this war in my head.

You know what I hate about war? No matter how much you wish it was otherwise, there will always be war. War never dies. You can't kill it. Same goes for the war in your head. It will NEVER go away. Nothing ever does. It's all in here, forever.

I'm sorry to let you down but you always knew this was coming.

I'm sorry for the hurt I caused you...but there's no excuse.

I told you once I'd do it, I wasn't lying. Just cos it's not quick doesn't mean it's not happening.


Mother do you think they'll drop the bomb?
Mother do you think they'll like this song?
Mother do you think they'll try to break my balls?
Ooooh aah, mother should I build a wall?

Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky

Happy New Year?

It's officially the 1st of January 2011. Two minutes past midnight and I'm sure people everywhere are going HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!

In my house? I can hear Dad playing WoW in his room...Mum's probably asleep. And I'm listening to The Diary by Hollywood Undead.

So Happy New Year.