Revert

So my blog looks pretty much the same as my old one did. It's like my new one and my old one merged together without going through the hassle of making a third blog, which would be pointless.

Trying to ignore how hideous and deformed I feel...feel, I am...but it's not really working.
My mum said to me the other day, you're beautiful in your own way. (Check me out and my rhyming self!) But to me, that's just what you say to ugly people when you can't lie flat out without insulting their intelligence but you're too nice to just come out and say that they're ugly.

I admit, I've let myself fall back into my old way of thinking because quite frankly, I don't care. I miss being me. I miss wallowing in my fucking twisted madness. I miss accepting that I'm not getting anywhere and I'm tired of trying when I know I'm gonna lose.

I had a little spurt of energy and for some stupid reason thought that I might actually get somewhere this time...but now that energy is all gone and I'm tired again.

I'm just tired.

I'm prepared to lose everything I have, I'm prepared to push away everyone who says they care, whether they really do or not. I'm prepared to be alone and I'm fully prepared to rot.

Most of the time, people look for a reason on the outside for someone to be fucked in the head. What are their parents like, is someone abusing them, have they been raped, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I don't have an outward reason, all I have left of me is this war in my head.

You know what I hate about war? No matter how much you wish it was otherwise, there will always be war. War never dies. You can't kill it. Same goes for the war in your head. It will NEVER go away. Nothing ever does. It's all in here, forever.

I'm sorry to let you down but you always knew this was coming.

I'm sorry for the hurt I caused you...but there's no excuse.

I told you once I'd do it, I wasn't lying. Just cos it's not quick doesn't mean it's not happening.


Mother do you think they'll drop the bomb?
Mother do you think they'll like this song?
Mother do you think they'll try to break my balls?
Ooooh aah, mother should I build a wall?

Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky