The title is the first line from Silent Lucidity by Queensryche.
So it's the start of a new year tomorrow. New years resolutions??? Stop trying to be something I'm not, stop trying to make excuses for being me, stop being FAT and stop trying to make this blog happier than my last one when all I really do on either is bitch about things.
So yeah, this is a bitchfest throughout any blog I would take the time to write.
Nothing's really changed with me this year. I thought it had, but it hasn't. The one thing I've learned this year is that even when you think you've left all your demons behind you, they always, ALWAYS come back to bite you in the arse.
In case anyone's wondering, my birthday was great. So was christmas. But now it's all over, it's back to the same old shite.
I have become jaded, I have no beleif.
In myself or anyone else. In anything.
Soon I shall have another nephew and I can't get excited about it. Then my other sisters getting married and a couple of months after she's having a baby too.
And I don't particularly feel excited about any of it. What kind of bitch can't even get excited about that for her family?
And I'm not particularly excited about going to see Murderdolls either.
I'm not excited about anything, I'm not bothered about anything, I'm NOT. I am just nothing. I feel nothing right now.
I'm sure that's not normal.
Haven't had a bath in a while, hate the sight of myself, makes me wanna puke.
I took all the pictures of my friends down that had me in and put them in my memory box. The only one that's still out is the one Sammie and Dale framed for my birthday, but I'm covered up with my slipknot flag.
Went clothes shopping the other day for something to wear to Kay's wedding. Puke. I didn't. Wanted to. Needed to. Just the sight. Just thinking about it makes me wanna puke.
Just wanna tear my face to shreds and be done with it. Wonder whether that'll fit the stupid fuckers criteria?!
Trying not to give up on this BTEC. I know I'm not going to UNI. No way. Can't afford it. Can't handle it.
But mum would kill me hersefl if I drop out of the BTEC. I don't want to, I just don't particularly want to leave the house either.
And we have a trip on wednesday to London. London...the capital...filled to the brim with people...with the sickness...the virus...humanity.
I actually feel sick now.
"I want to carry a piece of who I was before
So when I hit the wall I really hit the wall"
Overwieght - Blue October
I don't even know what to write now. I had all this stuff in my head to get out but now I can't think of what to say.
Friday, 31 December 2010
Wednesday, 15 December 2010
Merry F*cking Christmas
I thought I'd get the merry xmas done and dusted in the title cos I don't know if I'll blog again before the big day.
Don't know how long it's been since I last posted and I was thinking about it today so decided to come and say hello.
Photography is going GREAT! It's so much fun and really fascinating. My friends are awesome, I love them to pieces, and my teachers rock.
My mum's being so ridiculously supportive and everything's going great.
I've had a few bumps recently but it's all good.
I was just thinking that I really wish Jared and Jensen were still on facebook so I could ask them some questions for the units we got the brief for today.
Also wish I could show Jensen my tattoo, and tell him I got an A for the GCSE (which if you'll remember from earlier in my blog, I was studying when I talked to him.)
Of course, all that's assuming that the men I was talking to were the real Jared and Jensen so let me rephrase and say that I wish I could talk to them, safe in the knowledge that it's really them, and ask them some questions for my brief.
There was an article in the latest Supernatural Magazine about Jensen's directorial debut 'Weekend At Bobby's', episode 4 of season 6. It was absolutely fascinating and educational. Gave me quite a bit to think about as far as my own concepts for films are concerned.
I'm having Sammie, Dale and Hope round for my birthday, can't wait. And then for christmas we're actually going to my sisters for xmas dinner. That's a new one. Should be good fun.
I've hurt my wrist which is annoying but hey ho.
It's really not so obsessive to blog when you're not pissed off. I've found that now that I'm in a better place as far as events in my life happening now are concerned, I don't really blog or write in my black books as much as I used to.
I guess that should be considered a good thing although I worry sometimes that I'm doing what I was afraid I'd do...which is forget about the things that were making me so mad, like if I forget them, then I'm just shrugging them off like everyone else does and not thinking they still matter when obviously they do.
Kinda hard to explain but...
Anyways, I'm knackered
Laters xXx
Don't know how long it's been since I last posted and I was thinking about it today so decided to come and say hello.
Photography is going GREAT! It's so much fun and really fascinating. My friends are awesome, I love them to pieces, and my teachers rock.
My mum's being so ridiculously supportive and everything's going great.
I've had a few bumps recently but it's all good.
I was just thinking that I really wish Jared and Jensen were still on facebook so I could ask them some questions for the units we got the brief for today.
Also wish I could show Jensen my tattoo, and tell him I got an A for the GCSE (which if you'll remember from earlier in my blog, I was studying when I talked to him.)
Of course, all that's assuming that the men I was talking to were the real Jared and Jensen so let me rephrase and say that I wish I could talk to them, safe in the knowledge that it's really them, and ask them some questions for my brief.
There was an article in the latest Supernatural Magazine about Jensen's directorial debut 'Weekend At Bobby's', episode 4 of season 6. It was absolutely fascinating and educational. Gave me quite a bit to think about as far as my own concepts for films are concerned.
I'm having Sammie, Dale and Hope round for my birthday, can't wait. And then for christmas we're actually going to my sisters for xmas dinner. That's a new one. Should be good fun.
I've hurt my wrist which is annoying but hey ho.
It's really not so obsessive to blog when you're not pissed off. I've found that now that I'm in a better place as far as events in my life happening now are concerned, I don't really blog or write in my black books as much as I used to.
I guess that should be considered a good thing although I worry sometimes that I'm doing what I was afraid I'd do...which is forget about the things that were making me so mad, like if I forget them, then I'm just shrugging them off like everyone else does and not thinking they still matter when obviously they do.
Kinda hard to explain but...
Anyways, I'm knackered
Laters xXx
Monday, 8 November 2010
The Diary
Unfortunately is not what I'm listening to cos it's not on my mp3 player but it's an awesome song by Hollywood Undead.
The chorus goes something like...
Cos I don't wanna be like this
I've been running these streets for too long now
I've got nothing it's true but this song now
The further I go, I wanna go home
Which is exactly how I feel right now. It's round about 25 past 8 pm and cold and the bus doesn't get here til 15 past 9.
It's not just the cold making me miserable which is fucking ridiculous cos I don't actually have any reason to be miserable. I'm going to see Murderdolls in February, christmas is coming, Kim's having Gabriel around new years, Kay and Andy are getting married in February, then Kay's having her baby in June and at some point me, Dale and Sammie are hopefully going to Thorpe park.
Which is a lot to look forward to. And I've just had a tax rebate so I'm getting my Jensen tattoo.
Which is fantastic.
But for some stupid reason I'm feeling horrible and useless.
People mention recovery in the same sentence as mental illness but it never really goes away.
I mean, mum is bipolar and she's been relatively okay for the last...7 odd years give or take and now suddenly she's crashing again, which needless to say is worrying.
And Ros isn't doing too well but the CMHT aren't doing fuck all for her either, they're useless wankers!!
My reasons for fighting are getting thinner.
"How I feel... This inside me... I wish I couldn't feel anything, Sammy. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing." - Dean, 'Heaven and Hell', Supernatural, season 4.
My fingers are numb, it's making it very hard to type. Gonna jam my hands in my pocket, might post again later, might not, we'll see.
Later
The chorus goes something like...
Cos I don't wanna be like this
I've been running these streets for too long now
I've got nothing it's true but this song now
The further I go, I wanna go home
Which is exactly how I feel right now. It's round about 25 past 8 pm and cold and the bus doesn't get here til 15 past 9.
It's not just the cold making me miserable which is fucking ridiculous cos I don't actually have any reason to be miserable. I'm going to see Murderdolls in February, christmas is coming, Kim's having Gabriel around new years, Kay and Andy are getting married in February, then Kay's having her baby in June and at some point me, Dale and Sammie are hopefully going to Thorpe park.
Which is a lot to look forward to. And I've just had a tax rebate so I'm getting my Jensen tattoo.
Which is fantastic.
But for some stupid reason I'm feeling horrible and useless.
People mention recovery in the same sentence as mental illness but it never really goes away.
I mean, mum is bipolar and she's been relatively okay for the last...7 odd years give or take and now suddenly she's crashing again, which needless to say is worrying.
And Ros isn't doing too well but the CMHT aren't doing fuck all for her either, they're useless wankers!!
My reasons for fighting are getting thinner.
"How I feel... This inside me... I wish I couldn't feel anything, Sammy. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing." - Dean, 'Heaven and Hell', Supernatural, season 4.
My fingers are numb, it's making it very hard to type. Gonna jam my hands in my pocket, might post again later, might not, we'll see.
Later
Wednesday, 27 October 2010
Welcome to the strange (Supernatural spoiler)
Isn't actually what I'm listening to...I think I'll go rectify that right now!
Okay, now I'm listening to it. Welcome to the strange by Murderdolls. Excellent song.
Okay, so today was weird. I've been pretty hyper all day until my mum came in and now I'm... I don't know. Not exactly in a bad mood, just...pensive?
It's like her negative reaction to work just kind of washed over me.
She's drinking again. Not sure what to do about it.
Managed to sort a big chunk of Dead House last night...not really getting anywhere with it tonight though which is annoying.
Halloween is drawing near but it's christmas I'm thinking about right now. Just watched 'A very supernatural christmas', Episode 8 of Season 3 of Supernatural.
I adore this episode because it's really tearing up christmas, like right at the beginning this kids grandad dresses up as santa for him and then gets ripped up the chimney and killed. Sam and Dean get tortured, and it's just like...not full of christmas cheer.
But then at the end, Dean and Sam finally get to celebrate christmas, even though it's not all tonnes of decorations and hundreds of presents. They're not even in their home, they don't HAVE a home. It's a motel room that Sam dressed up, and if you look carefully, there's car freshener trees on the christmas tree :P
Anyways, so Dean comes in and they swap presents. Dean got Sam 'skin mags'...from the look I'm guessing that's a porn thing or something... and shaving cream and Sam got Dean a chocolate bar and this fuel stuff for the Impala.
And then they drank eggnogg and watched football.
The really sweet thing is that Sam was about to say something really upsetting and serious, but Dean just looked so happy that he stopped himself from saying anything.
It just really hammers it home that christmas isn't about presents. It's not about decorations. Hell, it isn't even about Jesus's birthday since he was actually born probably in March and christmas is just to cover up the winter solstice because of the whole christian vs pagan bit.
What christmas is really about, as corny and stupid as it sounds, is about family and friends. End of.
I've always loved christmas. Even when things were at their worst, christmas was still awesome.
People tend to forget that christmas isn't a happy time for everyone and it makes me feel guilty and sad that I'm looking forward to christmas and I love it but other people are drowning in despair and slitting their wrists or throwing themselvse off rooves, or freezing to death on the streets cos they don't have a home.
But for me, christmas was always the one time of year that my family actually pulled together and acted like a family.
Our christmas is gonna be like supernatural this year cos of Kay's wedding coming up. But that doesn't matter. Actually, I prefer it this way.
People get too wrapped up in the materialism of christmas but when you don't have the money for that...it's even better.
It really is the thought that counts :)
God. Now all I can think about is all the people that are still gonna be suffering on Christmas day :(
And there's fuck all I can do about any of it.
You know what? I don't care what it takes, one day I'm gonna save the world from all that shit!
I feel like if I don't save them, I'm just as bad as whatever put them in a bad situation in the first place.
I don't wanna be evil and the only way I can think of is saving people.
But this isn't Supernatural, y'know?
I can't go running around the world saving people from demons or whatever.
I actually think that would be easier than trying to save them from the real evil in the world.
Cos with the real evil...I don't have the first fucking clue of where to start?
That's another reason I wanna move to America.
Whether the English (who in my opinion are pretty stuck up when it comes to world status as it were) like it or not...America is pretty much the head country of the world.
Whatever happens, it's gonna start with America.
It's so easy for people to blame the American's for everything. If you looked at each country individually you could find any number of reasons to hate them.
America's just more upfront about things so people choose them to blame. America tries to fix everything, and try to help everyone, so if that goes wrong, it's automatically, 'Oh those fucking American's'.
Whereas you can say pretty much the same about England but they turn up their nose and act all high and mighty.
The English I mean.
I don't know, I'm probably a traitor to my country but I just really can't stand it here. To me, this country is on a fucking soapbox made of hypocritical and contradictive bullshit that they stand on so they can look down at the rest of the world.
And I'm pretty sure that most countries are like that.
I think that everyone just really needs to get over themselves and stop thinking in such segmented ways. Like when countries do something it's like, which country can do best, who's doing more? Yadda, yadda, yadda.
If they all stopped being in competition with each other and stopped trying to be the best, more would get done.
I mean, I'm all for patriotic pride and all that, I just think it needs to be more in moderation.
I have no idea how long this post is, I've kind of rambled on again.
Oh well.
Maybe one day someone will actually give a damn.
Okay, now I'm listening to it. Welcome to the strange by Murderdolls. Excellent song.
Okay, so today was weird. I've been pretty hyper all day until my mum came in and now I'm... I don't know. Not exactly in a bad mood, just...pensive?
It's like her negative reaction to work just kind of washed over me.
She's drinking again. Not sure what to do about it.
Managed to sort a big chunk of Dead House last night...not really getting anywhere with it tonight though which is annoying.
Halloween is drawing near but it's christmas I'm thinking about right now. Just watched 'A very supernatural christmas', Episode 8 of Season 3 of Supernatural.
I adore this episode because it's really tearing up christmas, like right at the beginning this kids grandad dresses up as santa for him and then gets ripped up the chimney and killed. Sam and Dean get tortured, and it's just like...not full of christmas cheer.
But then at the end, Dean and Sam finally get to celebrate christmas, even though it's not all tonnes of decorations and hundreds of presents. They're not even in their home, they don't HAVE a home. It's a motel room that Sam dressed up, and if you look carefully, there's car freshener trees on the christmas tree :P
Anyways, so Dean comes in and they swap presents. Dean got Sam 'skin mags'...from the look I'm guessing that's a porn thing or something... and shaving cream and Sam got Dean a chocolate bar and this fuel stuff for the Impala.
And then they drank eggnogg and watched football.
The really sweet thing is that Sam was about to say something really upsetting and serious, but Dean just looked so happy that he stopped himself from saying anything.
It just really hammers it home that christmas isn't about presents. It's not about decorations. Hell, it isn't even about Jesus's birthday since he was actually born probably in March and christmas is just to cover up the winter solstice because of the whole christian vs pagan bit.
What christmas is really about, as corny and stupid as it sounds, is about family and friends. End of.
I've always loved christmas. Even when things were at their worst, christmas was still awesome.
People tend to forget that christmas isn't a happy time for everyone and it makes me feel guilty and sad that I'm looking forward to christmas and I love it but other people are drowning in despair and slitting their wrists or throwing themselvse off rooves, or freezing to death on the streets cos they don't have a home.
But for me, christmas was always the one time of year that my family actually pulled together and acted like a family.
Our christmas is gonna be like supernatural this year cos of Kay's wedding coming up. But that doesn't matter. Actually, I prefer it this way.
People get too wrapped up in the materialism of christmas but when you don't have the money for that...it's even better.
It really is the thought that counts :)
God. Now all I can think about is all the people that are still gonna be suffering on Christmas day :(
And there's fuck all I can do about any of it.
You know what? I don't care what it takes, one day I'm gonna save the world from all that shit!
I feel like if I don't save them, I'm just as bad as whatever put them in a bad situation in the first place.
I don't wanna be evil and the only way I can think of is saving people.
But this isn't Supernatural, y'know?
I can't go running around the world saving people from demons or whatever.
I actually think that would be easier than trying to save them from the real evil in the world.
Cos with the real evil...I don't have the first fucking clue of where to start?
That's another reason I wanna move to America.
Whether the English (who in my opinion are pretty stuck up when it comes to world status as it were) like it or not...America is pretty much the head country of the world.
Whatever happens, it's gonna start with America.
It's so easy for people to blame the American's for everything. If you looked at each country individually you could find any number of reasons to hate them.
America's just more upfront about things so people choose them to blame. America tries to fix everything, and try to help everyone, so if that goes wrong, it's automatically, 'Oh those fucking American's'.
Whereas you can say pretty much the same about England but they turn up their nose and act all high and mighty.
The English I mean.
I don't know, I'm probably a traitor to my country but I just really can't stand it here. To me, this country is on a fucking soapbox made of hypocritical and contradictive bullshit that they stand on so they can look down at the rest of the world.
And I'm pretty sure that most countries are like that.
I think that everyone just really needs to get over themselves and stop thinking in such segmented ways. Like when countries do something it's like, which country can do best, who's doing more? Yadda, yadda, yadda.
If they all stopped being in competition with each other and stopped trying to be the best, more would get done.
I mean, I'm all for patriotic pride and all that, I just think it needs to be more in moderation.
I have no idea how long this post is, I've kind of rambled on again.
Oh well.
Maybe one day someone will actually give a damn.
Tuesday, 26 October 2010
26/10/10
I love this time of year. It's almost halloween XD
I only have one thing really to rant about and that's that I haven't been paid, when I was supposed to be paid on the 24th, because the woman I was working with is unreliable and she didn't give my slip in. Well I've learned, next time I'm gonna go straight to HR and hand it in as soon as I'm about to leave for the bus. That way, this can't happen again.
I'm going to see Saw 3D with Dale on Saturday so I'm looking forward to that. Finally, get to see an 18 at the cinema, which was why I wanted to be 18 in the first place.
Can't get season 5 of Supernatural yet :( ... Which has upset me somewhat cos I was really looking forward to getting that. But I'll get it in a couple of weeks so...Just means I have something to look forward to for longer :)
Found an adorable song that was on the soundtrack for the supernatural episode "Heart" from Season Two. It's during the bit where Sam has to kill Maddison right at the end, and everyone cries :( Really sad, but a really good song.
It's called Silent Lucidity by Queensryche.
I haven't written in a while so I'm trying to think of what has happened since then. I'm gonna be in a magazine :) SciFiNow, issue #49 which I think is January's issue, back page for being obsessed with Supernatural XD
College is going great. I had my 1:1 with Mary on Friday and it was really good. We set a target of one hour a day homework at least, but apart from that (and trying to use material other than Supernatural :P), she said I was doing really well and she was really pleased with my work XD
I think the only one I'm doing particularly bad at at the moment is Science. It's not so much that I'm doing bad at it, it's just that it's a lot to take in in a short space of time. I mean, college GCSE courses cram a two year course into one year, day time GCSE students get I think it's like 5ish hours a week for their GCSE.
Adult evening courses, you get two hours a week and that's it.
So a two year GCSE Biology course, crammed into one year at two hours a week is VERY stressful.
But I have the book that goes with it now so I'll just read it and then re read it and then copy it out. Hopefully, that'll make me remember everything.
I've been taking little videos of everything on my phone, but I'm gonna start using mum's digital camera, cos I can't get the videos from my phone on my computer, whereas I know for a fact the mums camera will.
I'm gonna do little videos everyday and then make a little film.
I have to redo my script, AGAIN! Because mum got me a screenwriting book and it says that I'm not supposed to write the camera shots in to it because that's the directors job.
Which doesn't matter in this case cos I am the director, but when you send it to a producer, it's just supposed to be the story, which means essentially I've gotta write two, one with the story and dialogue and another the same but with camera shots as well.
People don't really get how much truly goes into making a film until they try doing it.
I mean, pre-production alone. Just writing the fucking story! I mean, I've been working on Dead House for nigh on five years, if not more, and the story itself still isn't finished yet.
That's without the actual set concepts, monster research, character profiles, camera angles, and all the rest of it.
But, working on Dead House, even though it's a lot of hard work, even now, I know that I'm making the right career choice. I honestly can't see myself doing anything else.
Anyways, speaking of, I should probably do some work lol :P
have a spooky halloween!!!
laters
I only have one thing really to rant about and that's that I haven't been paid, when I was supposed to be paid on the 24th, because the woman I was working with is unreliable and she didn't give my slip in. Well I've learned, next time I'm gonna go straight to HR and hand it in as soon as I'm about to leave for the bus. That way, this can't happen again.
I'm going to see Saw 3D with Dale on Saturday so I'm looking forward to that. Finally, get to see an 18 at the cinema, which was why I wanted to be 18 in the first place.
Can't get season 5 of Supernatural yet :( ... Which has upset me somewhat cos I was really looking forward to getting that. But I'll get it in a couple of weeks so...Just means I have something to look forward to for longer :)
Found an adorable song that was on the soundtrack for the supernatural episode "Heart" from Season Two. It's during the bit where Sam has to kill Maddison right at the end, and everyone cries :( Really sad, but a really good song.
It's called Silent Lucidity by Queensryche.
I haven't written in a while so I'm trying to think of what has happened since then. I'm gonna be in a magazine :) SciFiNow, issue #49 which I think is January's issue, back page for being obsessed with Supernatural XD
College is going great. I had my 1:1 with Mary on Friday and it was really good. We set a target of one hour a day homework at least, but apart from that (and trying to use material other than Supernatural :P), she said I was doing really well and she was really pleased with my work XD
I think the only one I'm doing particularly bad at at the moment is Science. It's not so much that I'm doing bad at it, it's just that it's a lot to take in in a short space of time. I mean, college GCSE courses cram a two year course into one year, day time GCSE students get I think it's like 5ish hours a week for their GCSE.
Adult evening courses, you get two hours a week and that's it.
So a two year GCSE Biology course, crammed into one year at two hours a week is VERY stressful.
But I have the book that goes with it now so I'll just read it and then re read it and then copy it out. Hopefully, that'll make me remember everything.
I've been taking little videos of everything on my phone, but I'm gonna start using mum's digital camera, cos I can't get the videos from my phone on my computer, whereas I know for a fact the mums camera will.
I'm gonna do little videos everyday and then make a little film.
I have to redo my script, AGAIN! Because mum got me a screenwriting book and it says that I'm not supposed to write the camera shots in to it because that's the directors job.
Which doesn't matter in this case cos I am the director, but when you send it to a producer, it's just supposed to be the story, which means essentially I've gotta write two, one with the story and dialogue and another the same but with camera shots as well.
People don't really get how much truly goes into making a film until they try doing it.
I mean, pre-production alone. Just writing the fucking story! I mean, I've been working on Dead House for nigh on five years, if not more, and the story itself still isn't finished yet.
That's without the actual set concepts, monster research, character profiles, camera angles, and all the rest of it.
But, working on Dead House, even though it's a lot of hard work, even now, I know that I'm making the right career choice. I honestly can't see myself doing anything else.
Anyways, speaking of, I should probably do some work lol :P
have a spooky halloween!!!
laters
Monday, 18 October 2010
momentary lapse of reason
Or at least it would be momentary if it was ... You know... Momentary , and a lapse of reason if it wasn't true.
That actually made sense on my head.
Sat in astronomy right now and for some reason it's going straight over my head.
I forgot what it's like to be stared and gawked at for looking different.
I saw my reflection
Flash of irrational hatred
Daggers of disgust
I wanna tear it to shreds
Rip it to pieces
Statement of the obvious, I don't particularly like my face...
Yeah, I'm gonna pay attention now.
That actually made sense on my head.
Sat in astronomy right now and for some reason it's going straight over my head.
I forgot what it's like to be stared and gawked at for looking different.
I saw my reflection
Flash of irrational hatred
Daggers of disgust
I wanna tear it to shreds
Rip it to pieces
Statement of the obvious, I don't particularly like my face...
Yeah, I'm gonna pay attention now.
Save Point
Not that I'm actually play many games, but I prefer being able to save whenever I want rather than having to wait for a save point.
The point of putting the title as save point is because that's kind of what a blog is in a random kind of way. You're basically saving your life so far.
And I have five minutes to make this save point because then I have to go for the bus.
College is going fine, I love my friends, I love the work.
Braided my hair black, green and blue, will post a photo when I get round to it.
Can't wait for Halloween but I can't believe it's mid october already.
Time's going by so fast and I'm not really moving. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.
Anyways, gotta go.
The point of putting the title as save point is because that's kind of what a blog is in a random kind of way. You're basically saving your life so far.
And I have five minutes to make this save point because then I have to go for the bus.
College is going fine, I love my friends, I love the work.
Braided my hair black, green and blue, will post a photo when I get round to it.
Can't wait for Halloween but I can't believe it's mid october already.
Time's going by so fast and I'm not really moving. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.
Anyways, gotta go.
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