touch screen

This is really tricky cos I'm writing this on my phone. It's really weird but it's so, so awesome. Anywho, I just wanted to see what it was like, I'm going to sleep now.
Layers xxx

So...

I got a new phone. It's taking some getting used to but it's awesome.

I've got new glasses to wear when I'm concentrating.

Got the latest issue of Supernatural Magazine...and I've ordered season 3.

Got some new jeans.

Got a tonne of homework to do.

And I'm tired.

And moody.

and I feel really fat and ugly.

oh well.

Almost lost my bus pass too but luckily mark who we had been at the pub with pickde it up.

College is hectic but awesome.

The work's great.

dunno what else to say so i'm gonna go do something useful...or just watch supernatural...haven't decided yet :P

Crazy Love

Is what I'm listening to at the moment. It's a cover, I don't know who originally did it but the one I love is sung by Jason Manns and Jensen Ackles.

Haven't blogged in a while. Decided that I'm gonna try and just not write how I'm feeling and use the blog purely for updates. Of course, this doesn't mean I'll actually do this, it's just what I'm thinking right now. Who know's, tomorrow I could rant and rave and swear like a sailor. But that's what I'm gonna try and do.

Because it just seems stupid to me how I keep pouring my heart out on the world wide web, whether anyone actually reads it all or not, and I shouldn't. I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I will never be the person I want to be, I can't respect and admire myself because...well the truth is I don't particularly like myself very much. The stupid thing is that if I met myself, I'd try to help, but being myself just sucks out loud.

That might not make a lick of sense to you guys but...hey ho.

So, to update. I have to catch the bus in a half hour cos I have an opticians appointment at 2...first one in like...3 years...fun times.

Oh and I can't remember if I mentioned that I'm being tested for asthma. I have another appointment to see the nurse on the 27th and she'll tell me then I think whether I need an inhaler or whatever.

Then on the 28th is my scan.

I have my 1:1 with my tutor in october and I think that's when it's decided whether a student stays on the BTEC or not. Nail biting time.

Speaking of...I hate film. I mean camera film. Well, I don't hate it, it's just a pain in the ass, that's all. We were developing our films which was really fun and interesting, but I fucked up and exposed mine before I was supposed to (accidentally knocked the funnel out of place when I took the lid off to put the developer in), so mine came out totally black.

And I was the only one who fucked up that badly.

And I got a letter from EMA saying I was entitled to £10 a week, which is good.

So yeah...that's my update. Oh and as far as Dead House is concerned, it isn't going good........or bad....because it just isn't going.

I'll have some time to kill between the opticians and my lesson so I'm gonna see if I can get some written then.

I can see it all in my head, it's just writing it down.

So yeah.

Update updated.

Later xXx

Hesitate

Is what I'm listening to...from Stone Sour's new album Audio Secrecy. No. I don't have it. I've been reduced to listening to it on youtube because money sucks and I can't afford to get it yet.

I'm not even gonna bother trying to make some stupid lame ass excuse for this being a negative post because anyone who actually reads anything I write knows by now that when I'm stupid enough to say 'I'm going to be positive from now on' it's a humungous lie.

And I'm not gonna fucking apologize for it because who the fuck cares if I'm in a shitty mood, it happens.

I'm sick of trying to be something I'm not so you know what. Fuck it. This is my blog and yeah. Sometimes it will have shitty fucking negative posts that just whine on about how shit I'm feeling. I don't care what anyone thinks of me for it and to be honest I really don't fucking need to cos it's not like people are swarming to hear what I have to say.

I'm feeling stupidly overwhelmed by everything and I'm only in the second week of college. That's not a good omen.

Hopefully next week I'll get paid for my training and I'll be able to order Season three of Supernatural. That should cheer me up a bit.

"I wanted believe as I watched your world crumble in your hand
I wanted to believe as you raised a glass to your last stand
and I wanted to believe you would win the war in your head
that I did not understand."

Suicide Note by Johnette Napolitino

Hears to hoping tomorrow will be better and knowing it won't be.

Rock it!

Greetings and salutations fellow internetters

It is typically dull and grey in England today (RHYME!) but hey. It's England.

Had my first Astronomy lesson last night, was fascinating. Have Human Physiology and Health tonight.

It is the 5th anniversary of Supernatural today - ROCK THIS PARTY!!!!!

I'm in a relatively good mood. Kind of pensive and restless though. Got some books about America from the library yesterday... I can't wait to move there but it's gonna be a long time before I can...and when I do, it's gonna be extremely stressful...but then, I'll be moving to a different country, striking out on my own without any of my family.

I want to live in LA. That'd be cool. Not to mention wanting to be in the film industry, LA is just obvious.

Anyways, to celebrate the 5th anniversary of Supernatural, what better way than to watch supernatural :P So here I go.

Later dudes

xxx

Shake it off

Wow, last post was a bit negative, wasn't it?

Well, today's won't be, I promise. I'm in a good mood.

I have around about 4 hours to kill before I have to go for the bus. Got my evening GCSE Astronomy class tonight.

Went to the docs today to see the asthma nurse. She gave me this little kit that I have to puff into for the next two weeks to see if I have asthma, though she said I have all the symptoms. Joy.

Got an ultra sound appointment at the hospital on the 28th to see if I have this polycystic ovarian syndrome thing although the doc said my blood was consistant with it. I think I already mentioned that in a previous post.

I'm feeling particularly manish today, although my high level of testosterone is probably to blame. I think it's just because I fixed my computer chair by putting the screw back in and for some reason any time I use a screwdriver I feel manly lol :P

Dead House is going kinda slow. I have a time line stuck to my wall so I know what's supposed to be happening, it's just the bits in between.

Went swimming yesterday, that was fun.

I'm trying to think of other ways to kill time but I've done all the chores mum asked me to do, I've checked Facebook and Twitter...oh yeah I gotta send my cousin a message about photography but that won't take me five minutes.

I've already watched both discs I got from LoveFilm. One was 'Zodiac' which I found boring, and the other was the second disc of the third season of Supernatural.
The episodes were good, there were a couple of very amusing bits and some sad bits too, because obviously we're seeing Dean and Sam try to deal with what's going to happen.

I can't wait for the next disc because I kind of cheated and watched some clips on youtube, and two of the episodes on the next disc have two of my favourite clips in so :D

Anyways, I gotta go find a way to kill time.

Laters

Comfortably Numb

...by Pink Floyd. I'm listening to it now and it's rather fitting for my mood right now.

I'm so tired that I don't have the energy to get worked up about anything right now.
It's finally friday. No college tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, I love college right now and I'm so glad to be back, but I'm so exhausted and I was beginning to have enough of fucking people being absolutely everywhere!

"When I was a child, I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now,
the child has grown, the dream is gone
I have become comfortable numb."

My mum bought me a photography magazine and this weeks Kerrange. It has an article 'at home with Corey Taylor'. With pictures. Of Corey. Doing a BBQ. In nothing but an apron lol.

My demons came out to play this week. For the most part while I've been at college I've managed to keep up my mask of happy, but it's once again becoming more and more of a pain in the arse to even bother trying to smile for people.

Although I am pleased to report that the people in my class that I decided I didn't like aren't as bad as I thought they were. In fact everyone in my class is pretty awesome.

Today, Ruth, one of our tutors, showed us a couple of photo's of an operation on her arm that a colleague took cos she used to be a medical photographer. We could see the fat under her skin and the bone and the line they drew on the bone to show where they needed to cut and everything. The top of her arm had been torniqueted (sp?) though so there was no blood.

Mum reckons I should go back to the CMHT and demand a second oppinion. I kinda think she's right and kinda don't. I mean...If there was really something wrong with me, the woman would've noticed, right?
On the other hand, I'm not completely stupid, I know when something's not right and something's definitely not right with me.

I'm determined not to let it ruin my life again but I can't do it without help...but they won't help me cos apparently I don't need it. Maybe they're right...maybe I just don't deserve their help. Maybe I'm not worthy of their help. Maybe people learn to see into others' souls and she saw mine wasn't worth saving, couldn't be saved.

I'm so ready to give up again, but I won't because there's a part of me that still thinks I can actually do this. I haven't hit rock bottom again yet. Despite my demons screaming at me all day that I can't do this, a small part of me that's big enough to keep going believes that maybe, just maybe, I can make it through to the other side of this chasm inside of me.

But it's a gash across my soul and it's a very long way down.

At the end of the day, I can either lay down and give up, or I can kick and scream my way through and see if dreams really do come true.

And right now I'm choosing door number two. Because there's people who had it worse than me, like Corey Taylor, and still managed to make something of themselves, and there's people who got what they wanted and didn't become arseholes, like Jensen and Jared, who I so intend to be taught by, and people like Misha Collins who believe that good really can win the day and will literally run miles to prove it.

So yeah. Let's count the days, see how long this lasts :/

Laters

And on a happier note - I have followers :P

Knackered

It's been a long, long, loooooooooooong day. Long couple of days. A long week even...maybe.

Okay, so yesterday I went to the docs and my blood test results are consisten with polycystic ovaries so he's requesting an ultrasound just to make sure, and also I was a little lacking in iron but now that I eat meat again he said it should be okay.
So then I caught the bus into town and met Hope, Xander and his boyfriend Tom who has an outrageously scottish accent which is cool. We went to an italian pizza restaurant and then trecked round town and then I caught the bus to college at half four. I didn't leave college til eight cos of the receptionist training which went okay but was kinda nervewracking, I was so scared of fucking up.
I did some filing and some photocopying and stuff. So then I took the bus into town and met Giz and Dan at The Savoy (A pub in Swindon), then we went back to theirs and watched Cars and ate pizza...didn't go to bed til twelve...got up at seven am and played bejewlled on my phone so that I didn't fall back to sleep.
Walked to the bus which took about ten minutes or so, caught the bus to college and got there about quarter to nine. Went to lesson which was supposed to start at nine. First we were stood around for almost ten minutes waiting for someone to let us in the room.
Then they came and told us to go off until half ten cos there were some technicians in the room so I was hanging out with Dale, Sheriff, Sara and occasionally Cherry for an hour and a half.
So then we finally get into lesson about quarter to eleven cos there was a double booking with the room. Everyone who was supposed to be in G48 got G70 on their times tables and vice versa. Gotta love the organisational skills of college.
Then we got Ruth's lot of paper work, unit briefs etc.
Go off for another hour and a half cos we didn't have tutor today. Once again hung out with Sheriff and Dale, but this time we had Dale's partner Dan with us for some of it.
Anyways, then we got to Mary's lesson and got more paperwork, more unit briefs and more homework.
Found out that we need to take in £30 for course materials, preferably tomorrow, and that we will quite possible be going to Spain at some point, which in itself is gonna cost a bomb, but I don't have a passport yet.
God knows how I'm gonna pull that off.
Can't do anything cool unless you have money.

Oh and we have a little group going in photography it would seem. It's me, Dale, Sheriff (real name Dolcie), Sam (who I was a bit wary of on Monday but she's really nice, she shares my love of America), and I can't remember the other girls name but I think it was Simone or something like that.

I've decided that I dislike the guy called Kyle in our class. He makes me uneasy. And there's a couple of girls I don't particularly like. We had to do this icebreaker of telling two truths and one lie and then someone had to figure out which the lie was, and two of these girls, the best they could do was one of them said for their lie this is my natural hair colour, and then the other one said my natural hair colour is ginger.

I mean come on!

But yeah, I like Sam, she was really nice. Dale's awesome of course, so is his partner Dan, and Sheriff is cool too. The other girl sat on our table was nice, but I can't for the life of me recall her name.
I'll find out tomorrow.

My time table rocks. Mon - Gym 12-1 or 1-2 depending on the time, 6-8 Astronomy. Tue - Gym (see mon), 6-8 Human Physiology and Health. Wed - 9-12 photography with Ruth, 12-1 tutor with Mary, 1:30-4:30 Photography with Mary. Thurs - 9-12 photography with Mary, 12:30 - 3:30 photography with Ruth. Fri - 9:30-12:30 Photography with Ruth, 12:30 - 1 Tutor with Mary, 1-4 Photography with Mary.

And our first unit with Ruth, the first part of our brief is to design the front cover of a magazine with the issue topic of emotion, the second bit is to make an A3 piece, again with emotion. The A3 bit isn't allowed to be digital though, so it can be a painting :D

So not only do I get to take photo's, I get to paint as well. It's so cool!

And our brief with Mary is the effect nature has on man made things, the end bit has to be 6 black and white photographs. Not only that, this unit is completely FILM SLR and Dark Room stuff XD

I started panicking a bit today, my little demons (ha, or not so little), were like you can't do this. You're in way over your head dipshit!

But...Well there is no but, I'm still thinking that. I'm not gonna give up though. I told Mary about my...issues...so at least she's aware of it all so that if I start flying apart again, she knows what's going on before it's too late.

I got a session with my councilor Annie tomorrow at 4:30, we got some catching up to do.
Mary said I should make another appointment to see the mental health team if I start going back down that road. I'm hoping it doesn't come to that but I know it will. It always does.

At the end of the day, what does any of it matter? I mean that's the bottom line right? There must be some reason for us to be here, I don't believe in random chance, no random coincedences. There has to be a point to it all right? And I would think that that point, whatever it is, means that we have to do something that matters while we're here right?

But what does any of it matter when at the end of the day, we're gonna die. Sooner or later I'm gonna drop dead, and when that moment comes, what will any of it matter?

That's one of my biggest problems, I think. Right there. I THINK. I think I think too much. I think about things, and I mull everything over and over and over until I can't do it any more. And I can't stop myself either. I can't not think about everything.
And I just go through it all, all in my head and it's just spinning and spinning and bam. It's like the spinning of my thoughts goes faster and bigger and the force of this...inner tornado as it were, it starts tearing me to shreds.

Because when you really look at things, all there is is a shed load of random evilness.

Or maybe it's not random, maybe that's got something to do with the whole point of it all?? Evil is necessary but there's no higher good. I mean...there's no balance. Think of things in terms of scope or size or extremity (or is it extremeness?). Think of the really extreme evil things that have happened. The world wars, genocide, massacres, all throughout history, all the truly evil things man has done to one another. There's no good thing to match that extreme, y'know?

"There's so much evil in the world I feel like I could drown in it" - Sam Winchester, Houses of the Holy, Season Two of Supernatural.

When you say there's so much evil in the world, people turn around and say oh, well there's good too. Yeah, there is. But there's nothing as big. I mean, name one good thing that's as huge as WW2 or the great depression, or the witch trials or any of it.

There's nothing there. There's not an answer to that.

So what could I possibly do in this one life time to make up for that?? It's a timeless question that has now been turned into a cheesy, angsty, stupid line, but it still applies. "Why am I here?"

What could I do with my life that would make my life worthwhile. That would make me worthwhile.

And when I die, I'll be forgotten and nothing I would have done would mean anything anyway. Everyone's forgotten eventually.

Or even if their name's are remembered, their deeds aren't.

I might have gotten better at slapping on a smile, and I might have talked myself into trying even though I was born to fail, but my demons remain.

Demons you try to smother, try to push them down into a pit inside you that you think maybe you can close up, bury. But they always claw their way back to the surface, and they have no qualms about tearing you apart in the process.

Funny. I started this blog with the intention of not having rambling posts like this one...guess that part of me is here to stay no matter how many blogs I start with the plan of being a new person.

You can't change who you are. Not now, it's too late. All you can do is try and control the way you react to who you are.

And I'm not in control right now.

One of the things that sucks about being...whatever I am...is that even when things are going relatively well and you're relatively happy...you still don't feel in control.

Especially when you realise how much you still have to do. There's so much I have to do and I'm not just talking about the BTEC, I'm talking about my entire life. There's so much I still have to do, so much I gotta do right now and every second that goes by that I'm not achieving something momentous means I'm failing.

That might sound stupid but you know, whatever.

Anyways, I'm knackered and I think I've had enough angsty sharing for one day.

Later dudes
xXx

Back with routine

Okay, so had college today, thank GOD! I was getting so bored, dude! Like, tearing my hair out bored.

I hate being bored, boredom is the door for my demons.

I met an awesome dude called Dale and his boyfriend though for the life of me I can't remember his name.

My tutor's really nice so that's good and I was the most chatty person in the class although I think that's just cos I babble when I'm nervous and everyone else went quiet. I did win the icebreaker bingo though so that was cool.

Got my receptionist training tomorrow and then on wednesday LESSONS! YAY!...Just wait, in a coupld of weeks it'll wear off and I'll be like, damn, I have fucking college tomorror lol.

Nah, I get to do pretty much nothing but photography for the next two years so I'm happy. And then, hopefully, I get the next three years of doing nothing but film. Perfect :D

Oh, and I asked at student services and I can do two GCSE evening courses without having to pay for them.

And I'm signing up to the gym but it's £20 now instead of £10. Even so, that's way cheaper than actually joining a normal gym. Cos that's £20 for the entire year. Course it's only in the lunch time hours but still.

And I sent off my EMA application so that should happen soon. Little bit of money coming in, and hopefully I'll find out when I'm working tomorrow.

Things are looking up but I'm not gonna say that too many times cos usually when I say that everything goes all to hell.
Still, something's bound to go wrong at some point so I'm not gonna let it get to me when it does.

So that's all from me dudes.

Laters xXx

Another sunday

I have a headache. Probably cos I had some very vivid dreams last night.

I'm on the crew for band instead of playing keyboard cos I tried once at practice and it scared the shit outta me, so I'm just gonna help set things up.

So I gotta bandjob today. It's pretty grotty weather so we might get wet, but that's okay cos I actually like the rain :)

I was on twitter just a minute ago and this fucking person right, cos I'm following Corey Taylor on Twitter and as I'm sure anyone who has either read my blog or knows Slipknot, that their bassist, Paul Gray, died in may. So this person puts on Corey's twitter "Takin time out from sellin out? Fuck you and your druggy bassist".

What a dick! I mean, so you don't like Slipknot, fine. But what the fuck is the point of going on a site and saying something so fucking cruel?

There are some sick and nasty people in the world.

I'm trying not to let it get to me but I just can't believe someone could say something like that. Bet he wouldn't have the gall to say it to Corey's face though. Poor Corey man, that must have shit him up big time.

Some people have no fucking respect. It's bad enough slagging someone off on the net when they're alive but Paul's dead, how the hell could that dude say that?

I don't understand people. I really don't. I don't understand how some people are so beautiful, so kind and generous and selfless...and then you have vile little worms like that guy who get a kick out of messing with people.

It's people like that, that make me wanna shut myself off from the whole stinkin human race!

But I know not all people are like that. There are some amazing people and I wouldn't wanna miss them just because their are some poor excuses for human beings.

I honestly don't know where my belief levels lie in the story of Lucifer and his fall from grace, but seeing some of the awful things humans do, I can understand why he would refuse to love us more than God.

God, some people are such dicks! That's really pissed me off.

But, that's just one little cockroach.

So, anyways. I have induction day at college tomorrow, cannot wait! Not that I need an induction day since this is my fourth year studying there. But hey.

And on Tuesday I'm meeting up with Hope for a while, then I've gotta go to college for the receptionist training.

And then on Wednesday I have an appointment with the docs to discuss my blood test results.

After that, I really don't know, it all depends on when I actually start back at college. I have an appointment on the 13th to see the asthma nurse at the docs to test if I have asthma, but if that's my day back at college I may have to reschedule.

I've written out a whole timeline for Dead House. It's written in scenes but it's more like events.

And I got passed the bit that I was stuck on. Now I'm kind of stuck on another bit cos I can't think how to get this bit in, but I haven't actually tried writing it yet so maybe if I just start writing and see where it takes me.

I've got like 38 major events and one I wrote on paper to add in. On my timeline that's a scene for each so I've ended up with 38 Scenes, 39 when I've added the one I wrote on paper.

Most films have 22-25 scenes I think. I'm not sure, I'd have to check. Of course it doesn't really matter much at this stage, that's what editing and stuff is for. I'm sure the script will be chiseled down when there's actually more people working on it than just me.

I was starting to fall back into my pit of doubt. Thinking things like what's the point? Why am I even bothering to do this? It's never gonna happen, I'm never gonna get anywhere, I'm a talentless bitch etc, etc, etc.

I know most people have these doubts. Many fight through them, many don't. We all have to make a choice as to whether we give up or not.

I can't wait to get my tattoo done, just so I have a constant, permanent visual reminder that I chose not to give up. I came pretty close to throwing in the towel the other day but my mum talked me out of it.

So anyways, I'm gonna go do stuff.

Later

Twitter

Okay, so I have now got a Twitter account. Corey Taylor has one and I wanted to follow him on there so I had to create an account to, and now I have one.

I am @SSuzeQ13

So yeah. Twitter. Tweet.

Later

Dead House Planning

I don't know if what I'm doing right now counts as preproduction, but I took a load of photo's for the planning stages of Dead House, and put them on my facebook so I have a link for you non existant cyber buddies :P

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2055569&id=1187751839&l=ff5a369b4d

The actual link thing wouldn't work so just copy and paste it into the bar thingy up the top. o.O :/

So yeah.

I don't know if I mentioned this in a previous post yet but I know what I'm going as for Halloween. I know, I know, it's not for another month...but hey, Halloween is like...the best holiday EVER!

I am going as *pause for dramatic effect* ...


Bloody Mary!!! Everyone knows, or should know, the story of Bloody Mary. You go into the bathroom and turn out the lights and while looking in the mirror you say "Bloody Mary" three times, and she's supposed to come and scratch your eyes out.

I think there's a load of different ideas of why she does it. In Supernatural, she does it to anyone who has a secret where someone died. For instance, the stupid blonde bimbo who says it, Mary got her because she commited a hit and run and the little boy died. Mary left the victims names on the back of the mirrors.
And basically, Mary's story was that this guy called Trevor something killed her because she was going to tell his wife about their affair, and he took her eyes and he did all of it in front of a mirror but no one ever caught him.

So yeah, I'm going as Bloody Mary this year.

I will be taking photo's :)

My self doubt has been trying to gobble me up quite a lot the last couple of days. I've been stuck on the same bit of Dead House for ages. I can't seem to get past it for some reason.

I think I'm just gonna have to right a gap filler and edit it later. I think perfectionism is holding me back cos obviously I want the best lines and all that and because I can't think of one to get it moving again, I haven't written anything. But for the sake of finishing this and for the sake of what's left of my sanity, I'm gonna have to just plough through it and if it's a crap line then I'll sort it out later when I'm done.

But yeah. I think the main thing I gotta do as far as that's concerned is just force myself to write even if I'm not in the mood. Even if whatever I write comes out shit. As long as I'm writing.

After I've got the bits and pieces I need right now, I'm gonna save up for this wicked industry-used piece of software called Movie Magic Screenwriter. Because writing a script in word is a pain in the arse. If I had a bit of kit that would be set for writing scripts, I could focus more on the actual story and stuff rather than this should be spaced here and that should be in capitalse etc.

Anyways, like I said, gotta make myself work so on that note, I'm gonna go work :)

xXx