Knackered

It's been a long, long, loooooooooooong day. Long couple of days. A long week even...maybe.

Okay, so yesterday I went to the docs and my blood test results are consisten with polycystic ovaries so he's requesting an ultrasound just to make sure, and also I was a little lacking in iron but now that I eat meat again he said it should be okay.
So then I caught the bus into town and met Hope, Xander and his boyfriend Tom who has an outrageously scottish accent which is cool. We went to an italian pizza restaurant and then trecked round town and then I caught the bus to college at half four. I didn't leave college til eight cos of the receptionist training which went okay but was kinda nervewracking, I was so scared of fucking up.
I did some filing and some photocopying and stuff. So then I took the bus into town and met Giz and Dan at The Savoy (A pub in Swindon), then we went back to theirs and watched Cars and ate pizza...didn't go to bed til twelve...got up at seven am and played bejewlled on my phone so that I didn't fall back to sleep.
Walked to the bus which took about ten minutes or so, caught the bus to college and got there about quarter to nine. Went to lesson which was supposed to start at nine. First we were stood around for almost ten minutes waiting for someone to let us in the room.
Then they came and told us to go off until half ten cos there were some technicians in the room so I was hanging out with Dale, Sheriff, Sara and occasionally Cherry for an hour and a half.
So then we finally get into lesson about quarter to eleven cos there was a double booking with the room. Everyone who was supposed to be in G48 got G70 on their times tables and vice versa. Gotta love the organisational skills of college.
Then we got Ruth's lot of paper work, unit briefs etc.
Go off for another hour and a half cos we didn't have tutor today. Once again hung out with Sheriff and Dale, but this time we had Dale's partner Dan with us for some of it.
Anyways, then we got to Mary's lesson and got more paperwork, more unit briefs and more homework.
Found out that we need to take in £30 for course materials, preferably tomorrow, and that we will quite possible be going to Spain at some point, which in itself is gonna cost a bomb, but I don't have a passport yet.
God knows how I'm gonna pull that off.
Can't do anything cool unless you have money.

Oh and we have a little group going in photography it would seem. It's me, Dale, Sheriff (real name Dolcie), Sam (who I was a bit wary of on Monday but she's really nice, she shares my love of America), and I can't remember the other girls name but I think it was Simone or something like that.

I've decided that I dislike the guy called Kyle in our class. He makes me uneasy. And there's a couple of girls I don't particularly like. We had to do this icebreaker of telling two truths and one lie and then someone had to figure out which the lie was, and two of these girls, the best they could do was one of them said for their lie this is my natural hair colour, and then the other one said my natural hair colour is ginger.

I mean come on!

But yeah, I like Sam, she was really nice. Dale's awesome of course, so is his partner Dan, and Sheriff is cool too. The other girl sat on our table was nice, but I can't for the life of me recall her name.
I'll find out tomorrow.

My time table rocks. Mon - Gym 12-1 or 1-2 depending on the time, 6-8 Astronomy. Tue - Gym (see mon), 6-8 Human Physiology and Health. Wed - 9-12 photography with Ruth, 12-1 tutor with Mary, 1:30-4:30 Photography with Mary. Thurs - 9-12 photography with Mary, 12:30 - 3:30 photography with Ruth. Fri - 9:30-12:30 Photography with Ruth, 12:30 - 1 Tutor with Mary, 1-4 Photography with Mary.

And our first unit with Ruth, the first part of our brief is to design the front cover of a magazine with the issue topic of emotion, the second bit is to make an A3 piece, again with emotion. The A3 bit isn't allowed to be digital though, so it can be a painting :D

So not only do I get to take photo's, I get to paint as well. It's so cool!

And our brief with Mary is the effect nature has on man made things, the end bit has to be 6 black and white photographs. Not only that, this unit is completely FILM SLR and Dark Room stuff XD

I started panicking a bit today, my little demons (ha, or not so little), were like you can't do this. You're in way over your head dipshit!

But...Well there is no but, I'm still thinking that. I'm not gonna give up though. I told Mary about my...issues...so at least she's aware of it all so that if I start flying apart again, she knows what's going on before it's too late.

I got a session with my councilor Annie tomorrow at 4:30, we got some catching up to do.
Mary said I should make another appointment to see the mental health team if I start going back down that road. I'm hoping it doesn't come to that but I know it will. It always does.

At the end of the day, what does any of it matter? I mean that's the bottom line right? There must be some reason for us to be here, I don't believe in random chance, no random coincedences. There has to be a point to it all right? And I would think that that point, whatever it is, means that we have to do something that matters while we're here right?

But what does any of it matter when at the end of the day, we're gonna die. Sooner or later I'm gonna drop dead, and when that moment comes, what will any of it matter?

That's one of my biggest problems, I think. Right there. I THINK. I think I think too much. I think about things, and I mull everything over and over and over until I can't do it any more. And I can't stop myself either. I can't not think about everything.
And I just go through it all, all in my head and it's just spinning and spinning and bam. It's like the spinning of my thoughts goes faster and bigger and the force of this...inner tornado as it were, it starts tearing me to shreds.

Because when you really look at things, all there is is a shed load of random evilness.

Or maybe it's not random, maybe that's got something to do with the whole point of it all?? Evil is necessary but there's no higher good. I mean...there's no balance. Think of things in terms of scope or size or extremity (or is it extremeness?). Think of the really extreme evil things that have happened. The world wars, genocide, massacres, all throughout history, all the truly evil things man has done to one another. There's no good thing to match that extreme, y'know?

"There's so much evil in the world I feel like I could drown in it" - Sam Winchester, Houses of the Holy, Season Two of Supernatural.

When you say there's so much evil in the world, people turn around and say oh, well there's good too. Yeah, there is. But there's nothing as big. I mean, name one good thing that's as huge as WW2 or the great depression, or the witch trials or any of it.

There's nothing there. There's not an answer to that.

So what could I possibly do in this one life time to make up for that?? It's a timeless question that has now been turned into a cheesy, angsty, stupid line, but it still applies. "Why am I here?"

What could I do with my life that would make my life worthwhile. That would make me worthwhile.

And when I die, I'll be forgotten and nothing I would have done would mean anything anyway. Everyone's forgotten eventually.

Or even if their name's are remembered, their deeds aren't.

I might have gotten better at slapping on a smile, and I might have talked myself into trying even though I was born to fail, but my demons remain.

Demons you try to smother, try to push them down into a pit inside you that you think maybe you can close up, bury. But they always claw their way back to the surface, and they have no qualms about tearing you apart in the process.

Funny. I started this blog with the intention of not having rambling posts like this one...guess that part of me is here to stay no matter how many blogs I start with the plan of being a new person.

You can't change who you are. Not now, it's too late. All you can do is try and control the way you react to who you are.

And I'm not in control right now.

One of the things that sucks about being...whatever I am...is that even when things are going relatively well and you're relatively happy...you still don't feel in control.

Especially when you realise how much you still have to do. There's so much I have to do and I'm not just talking about the BTEC, I'm talking about my entire life. There's so much I still have to do, so much I gotta do right now and every second that goes by that I'm not achieving something momentous means I'm failing.

That might sound stupid but you know, whatever.

Anyways, I'm knackered and I think I've had enough angsty sharing for one day.

Later dudes
xXx