Comfortably Numb

...by Pink Floyd. I'm listening to it now and it's rather fitting for my mood right now.

I'm so tired that I don't have the energy to get worked up about anything right now.
It's finally friday. No college tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, I love college right now and I'm so glad to be back, but I'm so exhausted and I was beginning to have enough of fucking people being absolutely everywhere!

"When I was a child, I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now,
the child has grown, the dream is gone
I have become comfortable numb."

My mum bought me a photography magazine and this weeks Kerrange. It has an article 'at home with Corey Taylor'. With pictures. Of Corey. Doing a BBQ. In nothing but an apron lol.

My demons came out to play this week. For the most part while I've been at college I've managed to keep up my mask of happy, but it's once again becoming more and more of a pain in the arse to even bother trying to smile for people.

Although I am pleased to report that the people in my class that I decided I didn't like aren't as bad as I thought they were. In fact everyone in my class is pretty awesome.

Today, Ruth, one of our tutors, showed us a couple of photo's of an operation on her arm that a colleague took cos she used to be a medical photographer. We could see the fat under her skin and the bone and the line they drew on the bone to show where they needed to cut and everything. The top of her arm had been torniqueted (sp?) though so there was no blood.

Mum reckons I should go back to the CMHT and demand a second oppinion. I kinda think she's right and kinda don't. I mean...If there was really something wrong with me, the woman would've noticed, right?
On the other hand, I'm not completely stupid, I know when something's not right and something's definitely not right with me.

I'm determined not to let it ruin my life again but I can't do it without help...but they won't help me cos apparently I don't need it. Maybe they're right...maybe I just don't deserve their help. Maybe I'm not worthy of their help. Maybe people learn to see into others' souls and she saw mine wasn't worth saving, couldn't be saved.

I'm so ready to give up again, but I won't because there's a part of me that still thinks I can actually do this. I haven't hit rock bottom again yet. Despite my demons screaming at me all day that I can't do this, a small part of me that's big enough to keep going believes that maybe, just maybe, I can make it through to the other side of this chasm inside of me.

But it's a gash across my soul and it's a very long way down.

At the end of the day, I can either lay down and give up, or I can kick and scream my way through and see if dreams really do come true.

And right now I'm choosing door number two. Because there's people who had it worse than me, like Corey Taylor, and still managed to make something of themselves, and there's people who got what they wanted and didn't become arseholes, like Jensen and Jared, who I so intend to be taught by, and people like Misha Collins who believe that good really can win the day and will literally run miles to prove it.

So yeah. Let's count the days, see how long this lasts :/

Laters

And on a happier note - I have followers :P