Inner Demons

I'm determined to change the way I see life. My views have been negative for so long that it's hard to break that cycle.

Inner demons are very persuasive and very bitchy. In fact, they're almost like petulant children. They scream at you all your faults and flaws and then stamp their feet and scream louder when you try to ignore them.

If my inner demons were children, they're the kind of kids you would have to slap on the wrist daily. Probably even hourly.

They're not innocent enough to be children though. They're nasty sons of bitches and they're strong. I used to believe that they were stronger than me and all I could do was give up and let them have their way.

Like if I decide that life's worth living and I don't wanna die, my demons will tell me that I'm chickening out, that I'm too much of a coward to kill myself.
If I say to myself I can handle this, I can do it, they'll tell me I've already blown it. I'm 18 and I'm behind most 16 year olds, I've wasted my life so far. 18 years is a long time, 18 years on this planet and what have I got to show for it?

A couple of minor demons raised their ugly heads the other day, I think it was thursday. My most common demons. They call me fat and ugly. No chance of being an actress, they say, far too fat, far too ugly, no one would want to see you on their screen.

My mum told me that I'm not fat, and I'm not ugly. I just need to take better care of myself.

As stupid as this may sound, I'm not sure I know how to do that. I mean...I spent a long time trying to look after myself mentally, building my defences, my barriers and my walls...that I ignored the physical. Now I'm paying for it. Not as much as I will if I don't start looking after myself now though.

People look at me and some have said it must be good to not give a shit what you look like, to wear whatever you want and just not care.

But the problem is, I do care. I spend a long time every single day worrying about how I look.

And I don't mean standing in front of a mirror for hours every morning getting ready.

That bit I honestly don't give a rats ass about.

I don't particularly like mirrors. I look in one and suddenly I feel hatred. More hatred than I feel for anything or anyone else.

I've had irrational moments where I just wanna tear away my face, literally, I've had waking nightmares of actually carving my face. I figured a tonne of scars would be an improvement. I'm glad I never went through with that but again, my demons will say it's just cos I'm a coward.

Well you know what? I'm not a fucking coward. I'm not stupidly brave but I'm definitely not a coward.

And y'know, I could look a hell of a lot worse and be a hell of a lot fatter and yes, I could be skinnier and a damn sight better looking, but that's okay.

I can lose weight, and I can take better care of myself, and I'm gonna do both of those things. I'm gonna turn my life around.

And you know what? I think living even when you're terrified most of the time, is a lot braver than killing yourself.

People say that suicide is the coward's way out. I don't believe that. I think that's taking away the different kind of courage that suicides have...or had.

But living is definitely not cowardice, and it's fucking hard work. Sometimes it's so hard you don't think you'll make it.

But you gotta look at the little things. The little achievements. Something as simple as saying, I didn't feel like doing anything but I still went down the street and got the cat food.

I felt like shit but I still went into town.

Every big achievement is made up of a load of small ones and it's easier to have a tonne of little goals than one fuck off big one.

I'm not even sure what my fuck off big goal is but I know what all my little ones are and yeah, some of them have to wait. But there are ones I can do right now and they'll be big steps for me.

Just the fact that I didn't just quit college altogether, that I'm going back in September to get my final GCSE's, that's pretty huge if you think about it.

I may have dropped a long way from the potential people said I had when I was a little girl, but I've come a long way since I landed and yeah there's still a ways to climb, but someone must have slipped me a metaphorical energy shot cos I'm climbing again.

There are people out there who have climbed their way up from having less good and more shit to deal with than me, and they did it. They turned their lives around, they didn't give up and they made it.

If they can do it, so can I.

I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with my demons, I know that. But you know what? My inner demons can kiss my fat ass cos I ain't being their punch bag any more.

They may have won a few major battles but I'm the one who's gonna win this war!