Hush now, don't you cry

The title is the first line from Silent Lucidity by Queensryche.

So it's the start of a new year tomorrow. New years resolutions??? Stop trying to be something I'm not, stop trying to make excuses for being me, stop being FAT and stop trying to make this blog happier than my last one when all I really do on either is bitch about things.

So yeah, this is a bitchfest throughout any blog I would take the time to write.

Nothing's really changed with me this year. I thought it had, but it hasn't. The one thing I've learned this year is that even when you think you've left all your demons behind you, they always, ALWAYS come back to bite you in the arse.

In case anyone's wondering, my birthday was great. So was christmas. But now it's all over, it's back to the same old shite.

I have become jaded, I have no beleif.

In myself or anyone else. In anything.

Soon I shall have another nephew and I can't get excited about it. Then my other sisters getting married and a couple of months after she's having a baby too.

And I don't particularly feel excited about any of it. What kind of bitch can't even get excited about that for her family?

And I'm not particularly excited about going to see Murderdolls either.

I'm not excited about anything, I'm not bothered about anything, I'm NOT. I am just nothing. I feel nothing right now.

I'm sure that's not normal.

Haven't had a bath in a while, hate the sight of myself, makes me wanna puke.
I took all the pictures of my friends down that had me in and put them in my memory box. The only one that's still out is the one Sammie and Dale framed for my birthday, but I'm covered up with my slipknot flag.

Went clothes shopping the other day for something to wear to Kay's wedding. Puke. I didn't. Wanted to. Needed to. Just the sight. Just thinking about it makes me wanna puke.

Just wanna tear my face to shreds and be done with it. Wonder whether that'll fit the stupid fuckers criteria?!

Trying not to give up on this BTEC. I know I'm not going to UNI. No way. Can't afford it. Can't handle it.

But mum would kill me hersefl if I drop out of the BTEC. I don't want to, I just don't particularly want to leave the house either.

And we have a trip on wednesday to London. London...the capital...filled to the brim with people...with the sickness...the virus...humanity.

I actually feel sick now.

"I want to carry a piece of who I was before
So when I hit the wall I really hit the wall"

Overwieght - Blue October

I don't even know what to write now. I had all this stuff in my head to get out but now I can't think of what to say.

Merry F*cking Christmas

I thought I'd get the merry xmas done and dusted in the title cos I don't know if I'll blog again before the big day.

Don't know how long it's been since I last posted and I was thinking about it today so decided to come and say hello.

Photography is going GREAT! It's so much fun and really fascinating. My friends are awesome, I love them to pieces, and my teachers rock.

My mum's being so ridiculously supportive and everything's going great.

I've had a few bumps recently but it's all good.

I was just thinking that I really wish Jared and Jensen were still on facebook so I could ask them some questions for the units we got the brief for today.

Also wish I could show Jensen my tattoo, and tell him I got an A for the GCSE (which if you'll remember from earlier in my blog, I was studying when I talked to him.)

Of course, all that's assuming that the men I was talking to were the real Jared and Jensen so let me rephrase and say that I wish I could talk to them, safe in the knowledge that it's really them, and ask them some questions for my brief.

There was an article in the latest Supernatural Magazine about Jensen's directorial debut 'Weekend At Bobby's', episode 4 of season 6. It was absolutely fascinating and educational. Gave me quite a bit to think about as far as my own concepts for films are concerned.

I'm having Sammie, Dale and Hope round for my birthday, can't wait. And then for christmas we're actually going to my sisters for xmas dinner. That's a new one. Should be good fun.

I've hurt my wrist which is annoying but hey ho.

It's really not so obsessive to blog when you're not pissed off. I've found that now that I'm in a better place as far as events in my life happening now are concerned, I don't really blog or write in my black books as much as I used to.

I guess that should be considered a good thing although I worry sometimes that I'm doing what I was afraid I'd do...which is forget about the things that were making me so mad, like if I forget them, then I'm just shrugging them off like everyone else does and not thinking they still matter when obviously they do.

Kinda hard to explain but...

Anyways, I'm knackered

Laters xXx

The Diary

Unfortunately is not what I'm listening to cos it's not on my mp3 player but it's an awesome song by Hollywood Undead.

The chorus goes something like...

Cos I don't wanna be like this
I've been running these streets for too long now
I've got nothing it's true but this song now
The further I go, I wanna go home

Which is exactly how I feel right now. It's round about 25 past 8 pm and cold and the bus doesn't get here til 15 past 9.

It's not just the cold making me miserable which is fucking ridiculous cos I don't actually have any reason to be miserable. I'm going to see Murderdolls in February, christmas is coming, Kim's having Gabriel around new years, Kay and Andy are getting married in February, then Kay's having her baby in June and at some point me, Dale and Sammie are hopefully going to Thorpe park.

Which is a lot to look forward to. And I've just had a tax rebate so I'm getting my Jensen tattoo.

Which is fantastic.

But for some stupid reason I'm feeling horrible and useless.
People mention recovery in the same sentence as mental illness but it never really goes away.
I mean, mum is bipolar and she's been relatively okay for the last...7 odd years give or take and now suddenly she's crashing again, which needless to say is worrying.

And Ros isn't doing too well but the CMHT aren't doing fuck all for her either, they're useless wankers!!

My reasons for fighting are getting thinner.

"How I feel... This inside me... I wish I couldn't feel anything, Sammy. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing." - Dean, 'Heaven and Hell', Supernatural, season 4.

My fingers are numb, it's making it very hard to type. Gonna jam my hands in my pocket, might post again later, might not, we'll see.

Later

Welcome to the strange (Supernatural spoiler)

Isn't actually what I'm listening to...I think I'll go rectify that right now!

Okay, now I'm listening to it. Welcome to the strange by Murderdolls. Excellent song.

Okay, so today was weird. I've been pretty hyper all day until my mum came in and now I'm... I don't know. Not exactly in a bad mood, just...pensive?

It's like her negative reaction to work just kind of washed over me.

She's drinking again. Not sure what to do about it.

Managed to sort a big chunk of Dead House last night...not really getting anywhere with it tonight though which is annoying.

Halloween is drawing near but it's christmas I'm thinking about right now. Just watched 'A very supernatural christmas', Episode 8 of Season 3 of Supernatural.
I adore this episode because it's really tearing up christmas, like right at the beginning this kids grandad dresses up as santa for him and then gets ripped up the chimney and killed. Sam and Dean get tortured, and it's just like...not full of christmas cheer.

But then at the end, Dean and Sam finally get to celebrate christmas, even though it's not all tonnes of decorations and hundreds of presents. They're not even in their home, they don't HAVE a home. It's a motel room that Sam dressed up, and if you look carefully, there's car freshener trees on the christmas tree :P
Anyways, so Dean comes in and they swap presents. Dean got Sam 'skin mags'...from the look I'm guessing that's a porn thing or something... and shaving cream and Sam got Dean a chocolate bar and this fuel stuff for the Impala.
And then they drank eggnogg and watched football.

The really sweet thing is that Sam was about to say something really upsetting and serious, but Dean just looked so happy that he stopped himself from saying anything.

It just really hammers it home that christmas isn't about presents. It's not about decorations. Hell, it isn't even about Jesus's birthday since he was actually born probably in March and christmas is just to cover up the winter solstice because of the whole christian vs pagan bit.
What christmas is really about, as corny and stupid as it sounds, is about family and friends. End of.

I've always loved christmas. Even when things were at their worst, christmas was still awesome.

People tend to forget that christmas isn't a happy time for everyone and it makes me feel guilty and sad that I'm looking forward to christmas and I love it but other people are drowning in despair and slitting their wrists or throwing themselvse off rooves, or freezing to death on the streets cos they don't have a home.

But for me, christmas was always the one time of year that my family actually pulled together and acted like a family.

Our christmas is gonna be like supernatural this year cos of Kay's wedding coming up. But that doesn't matter. Actually, I prefer it this way.
People get too wrapped up in the materialism of christmas but when you don't have the money for that...it's even better.

It really is the thought that counts :)

God. Now all I can think about is all the people that are still gonna be suffering on Christmas day :(
And there's fuck all I can do about any of it.

You know what? I don't care what it takes, one day I'm gonna save the world from all that shit!

I feel like if I don't save them, I'm just as bad as whatever put them in a bad situation in the first place.
I don't wanna be evil and the only way I can think of is saving people.

But this isn't Supernatural, y'know?
I can't go running around the world saving people from demons or whatever.
I actually think that would be easier than trying to save them from the real evil in the world.
Cos with the real evil...I don't have the first fucking clue of where to start?

That's another reason I wanna move to America.
Whether the English (who in my opinion are pretty stuck up when it comes to world status as it were) like it or not...America is pretty much the head country of the world.
Whatever happens, it's gonna start with America.

It's so easy for people to blame the American's for everything. If you looked at each country individually you could find any number of reasons to hate them.

America's just more upfront about things so people choose them to blame. America tries to fix everything, and try to help everyone, so if that goes wrong, it's automatically, 'Oh those fucking American's'.
Whereas you can say pretty much the same about England but they turn up their nose and act all high and mighty.

The English I mean.

I don't know, I'm probably a traitor to my country but I just really can't stand it here. To me, this country is on a fucking soapbox made of hypocritical and contradictive bullshit that they stand on so they can look down at the rest of the world.

And I'm pretty sure that most countries are like that.

I think that everyone just really needs to get over themselves and stop thinking in such segmented ways. Like when countries do something it's like, which country can do best, who's doing more? Yadda, yadda, yadda.
If they all stopped being in competition with each other and stopped trying to be the best, more would get done.

I mean, I'm all for patriotic pride and all that, I just think it needs to be more in moderation.

I have no idea how long this post is, I've kind of rambled on again.
Oh well.

Maybe one day someone will actually give a damn.

26/10/10

I love this time of year. It's almost halloween XD

I only have one thing really to rant about and that's that I haven't been paid, when I was supposed to be paid on the 24th, because the woman I was working with is unreliable and she didn't give my slip in. Well I've learned, next time I'm gonna go straight to HR and hand it in as soon as I'm about to leave for the bus. That way, this can't happen again.

I'm going to see Saw 3D with Dale on Saturday so I'm looking forward to that. Finally, get to see an 18 at the cinema, which was why I wanted to be 18 in the first place.

Can't get season 5 of Supernatural yet :( ... Which has upset me somewhat cos I was really looking forward to getting that. But I'll get it in a couple of weeks so...Just means I have something to look forward to for longer :)

Found an adorable song that was on the soundtrack for the supernatural episode "Heart" from Season Two. It's during the bit where Sam has to kill Maddison right at the end, and everyone cries :( Really sad, but a really good song.
It's called Silent Lucidity by Queensryche.

I haven't written in a while so I'm trying to think of what has happened since then. I'm gonna be in a magazine :) SciFiNow, issue #49 which I think is January's issue, back page for being obsessed with Supernatural XD

College is going great. I had my 1:1 with Mary on Friday and it was really good. We set a target of one hour a day homework at least, but apart from that (and trying to use material other than Supernatural :P), she said I was doing really well and she was really pleased with my work XD

I think the only one I'm doing particularly bad at at the moment is Science. It's not so much that I'm doing bad at it, it's just that it's a lot to take in in a short space of time. I mean, college GCSE courses cram a two year course into one year, day time GCSE students get I think it's like 5ish hours a week for their GCSE.
Adult evening courses, you get two hours a week and that's it.
So a two year GCSE Biology course, crammed into one year at two hours a week is VERY stressful.

But I have the book that goes with it now so I'll just read it and then re read it and then copy it out. Hopefully, that'll make me remember everything.

I've been taking little videos of everything on my phone, but I'm gonna start using mum's digital camera, cos I can't get the videos from my phone on my computer, whereas I know for a fact the mums camera will.
I'm gonna do little videos everyday and then make a little film.

I have to redo my script, AGAIN! Because mum got me a screenwriting book and it says that I'm not supposed to write the camera shots in to it because that's the directors job.
Which doesn't matter in this case cos I am the director, but when you send it to a producer, it's just supposed to be the story, which means essentially I've gotta write two, one with the story and dialogue and another the same but with camera shots as well.

People don't really get how much truly goes into making a film until they try doing it.
I mean, pre-production alone. Just writing the fucking story! I mean, I've been working on Dead House for nigh on five years, if not more, and the story itself still isn't finished yet.
That's without the actual set concepts, monster research, character profiles, camera angles, and all the rest of it.
But, working on Dead House, even though it's a lot of hard work, even now, I know that I'm making the right career choice. I honestly can't see myself doing anything else.

Anyways, speaking of, I should probably do some work lol :P

have a spooky halloween!!!

laters

momentary lapse of reason

Or at least it would be momentary if it was ... You know... Momentary , and a lapse of reason if it wasn't true.

That actually made sense on my head.

Sat in astronomy right now and for some reason it's going straight over my head.

I forgot what it's like to be stared and gawked at for looking different.

I saw my reflection
Flash of irrational hatred
Daggers of disgust
I wanna tear it to shreds
Rip it to pieces

Statement of the obvious, I don't particularly like my face...

Yeah, I'm gonna pay attention now.

Save Point

Not that I'm actually play many games, but I prefer being able to save whenever I want rather than having to wait for a save point.

The point of putting the title as save point is because that's kind of what a blog is in a random kind of way. You're basically saving your life so far.

And I have five minutes to make this save point because then I have to go for the bus.

College is going fine, I love my friends, I love the work.

Braided my hair black, green and blue, will post a photo when I get round to it.

Can't wait for Halloween but I can't believe it's mid october already.

Time's going by so fast and I'm not really moving. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.

Anyways, gotta go.

touch screen

This is really tricky cos I'm writing this on my phone. It's really weird but it's so, so awesome. Anywho, I just wanted to see what it was like, I'm going to sleep now.
Layers xxx

So...

I got a new phone. It's taking some getting used to but it's awesome.

I've got new glasses to wear when I'm concentrating.

Got the latest issue of Supernatural Magazine...and I've ordered season 3.

Got some new jeans.

Got a tonne of homework to do.

And I'm tired.

And moody.

and I feel really fat and ugly.

oh well.

Almost lost my bus pass too but luckily mark who we had been at the pub with pickde it up.

College is hectic but awesome.

The work's great.

dunno what else to say so i'm gonna go do something useful...or just watch supernatural...haven't decided yet :P

Crazy Love

Is what I'm listening to at the moment. It's a cover, I don't know who originally did it but the one I love is sung by Jason Manns and Jensen Ackles.

Haven't blogged in a while. Decided that I'm gonna try and just not write how I'm feeling and use the blog purely for updates. Of course, this doesn't mean I'll actually do this, it's just what I'm thinking right now. Who know's, tomorrow I could rant and rave and swear like a sailor. But that's what I'm gonna try and do.

Because it just seems stupid to me how I keep pouring my heart out on the world wide web, whether anyone actually reads it all or not, and I shouldn't. I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I will never be the person I want to be, I can't respect and admire myself because...well the truth is I don't particularly like myself very much. The stupid thing is that if I met myself, I'd try to help, but being myself just sucks out loud.

That might not make a lick of sense to you guys but...hey ho.

So, to update. I have to catch the bus in a half hour cos I have an opticians appointment at 2...first one in like...3 years...fun times.

Oh and I can't remember if I mentioned that I'm being tested for asthma. I have another appointment to see the nurse on the 27th and she'll tell me then I think whether I need an inhaler or whatever.

Then on the 28th is my scan.

I have my 1:1 with my tutor in october and I think that's when it's decided whether a student stays on the BTEC or not. Nail biting time.

Speaking of...I hate film. I mean camera film. Well, I don't hate it, it's just a pain in the ass, that's all. We were developing our films which was really fun and interesting, but I fucked up and exposed mine before I was supposed to (accidentally knocked the funnel out of place when I took the lid off to put the developer in), so mine came out totally black.

And I was the only one who fucked up that badly.

And I got a letter from EMA saying I was entitled to £10 a week, which is good.

So yeah...that's my update. Oh and as far as Dead House is concerned, it isn't going good........or bad....because it just isn't going.

I'll have some time to kill between the opticians and my lesson so I'm gonna see if I can get some written then.

I can see it all in my head, it's just writing it down.

So yeah.

Update updated.

Later xXx

Hesitate

Is what I'm listening to...from Stone Sour's new album Audio Secrecy. No. I don't have it. I've been reduced to listening to it on youtube because money sucks and I can't afford to get it yet.

I'm not even gonna bother trying to make some stupid lame ass excuse for this being a negative post because anyone who actually reads anything I write knows by now that when I'm stupid enough to say 'I'm going to be positive from now on' it's a humungous lie.

And I'm not gonna fucking apologize for it because who the fuck cares if I'm in a shitty mood, it happens.

I'm sick of trying to be something I'm not so you know what. Fuck it. This is my blog and yeah. Sometimes it will have shitty fucking negative posts that just whine on about how shit I'm feeling. I don't care what anyone thinks of me for it and to be honest I really don't fucking need to cos it's not like people are swarming to hear what I have to say.

I'm feeling stupidly overwhelmed by everything and I'm only in the second week of college. That's not a good omen.

Hopefully next week I'll get paid for my training and I'll be able to order Season three of Supernatural. That should cheer me up a bit.

"I wanted believe as I watched your world crumble in your hand
I wanted to believe as you raised a glass to your last stand
and I wanted to believe you would win the war in your head
that I did not understand."

Suicide Note by Johnette Napolitino

Hears to hoping tomorrow will be better and knowing it won't be.

Rock it!

Greetings and salutations fellow internetters

It is typically dull and grey in England today (RHYME!) but hey. It's England.

Had my first Astronomy lesson last night, was fascinating. Have Human Physiology and Health tonight.

It is the 5th anniversary of Supernatural today - ROCK THIS PARTY!!!!!

I'm in a relatively good mood. Kind of pensive and restless though. Got some books about America from the library yesterday... I can't wait to move there but it's gonna be a long time before I can...and when I do, it's gonna be extremely stressful...but then, I'll be moving to a different country, striking out on my own without any of my family.

I want to live in LA. That'd be cool. Not to mention wanting to be in the film industry, LA is just obvious.

Anyways, to celebrate the 5th anniversary of Supernatural, what better way than to watch supernatural :P So here I go.

Later dudes

xxx

Shake it off

Wow, last post was a bit negative, wasn't it?

Well, today's won't be, I promise. I'm in a good mood.

I have around about 4 hours to kill before I have to go for the bus. Got my evening GCSE Astronomy class tonight.

Went to the docs today to see the asthma nurse. She gave me this little kit that I have to puff into for the next two weeks to see if I have asthma, though she said I have all the symptoms. Joy.

Got an ultra sound appointment at the hospital on the 28th to see if I have this polycystic ovarian syndrome thing although the doc said my blood was consistant with it. I think I already mentioned that in a previous post.

I'm feeling particularly manish today, although my high level of testosterone is probably to blame. I think it's just because I fixed my computer chair by putting the screw back in and for some reason any time I use a screwdriver I feel manly lol :P

Dead House is going kinda slow. I have a time line stuck to my wall so I know what's supposed to be happening, it's just the bits in between.

Went swimming yesterday, that was fun.

I'm trying to think of other ways to kill time but I've done all the chores mum asked me to do, I've checked Facebook and Twitter...oh yeah I gotta send my cousin a message about photography but that won't take me five minutes.

I've already watched both discs I got from LoveFilm. One was 'Zodiac' which I found boring, and the other was the second disc of the third season of Supernatural.
The episodes were good, there were a couple of very amusing bits and some sad bits too, because obviously we're seeing Dean and Sam try to deal with what's going to happen.

I can't wait for the next disc because I kind of cheated and watched some clips on youtube, and two of the episodes on the next disc have two of my favourite clips in so :D

Anyways, I gotta go find a way to kill time.

Laters

Comfortably Numb

...by Pink Floyd. I'm listening to it now and it's rather fitting for my mood right now.

I'm so tired that I don't have the energy to get worked up about anything right now.
It's finally friday. No college tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, I love college right now and I'm so glad to be back, but I'm so exhausted and I was beginning to have enough of fucking people being absolutely everywhere!

"When I was a child, I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now,
the child has grown, the dream is gone
I have become comfortable numb."

My mum bought me a photography magazine and this weeks Kerrange. It has an article 'at home with Corey Taylor'. With pictures. Of Corey. Doing a BBQ. In nothing but an apron lol.

My demons came out to play this week. For the most part while I've been at college I've managed to keep up my mask of happy, but it's once again becoming more and more of a pain in the arse to even bother trying to smile for people.

Although I am pleased to report that the people in my class that I decided I didn't like aren't as bad as I thought they were. In fact everyone in my class is pretty awesome.

Today, Ruth, one of our tutors, showed us a couple of photo's of an operation on her arm that a colleague took cos she used to be a medical photographer. We could see the fat under her skin and the bone and the line they drew on the bone to show where they needed to cut and everything. The top of her arm had been torniqueted (sp?) though so there was no blood.

Mum reckons I should go back to the CMHT and demand a second oppinion. I kinda think she's right and kinda don't. I mean...If there was really something wrong with me, the woman would've noticed, right?
On the other hand, I'm not completely stupid, I know when something's not right and something's definitely not right with me.

I'm determined not to let it ruin my life again but I can't do it without help...but they won't help me cos apparently I don't need it. Maybe they're right...maybe I just don't deserve their help. Maybe I'm not worthy of their help. Maybe people learn to see into others' souls and she saw mine wasn't worth saving, couldn't be saved.

I'm so ready to give up again, but I won't because there's a part of me that still thinks I can actually do this. I haven't hit rock bottom again yet. Despite my demons screaming at me all day that I can't do this, a small part of me that's big enough to keep going believes that maybe, just maybe, I can make it through to the other side of this chasm inside of me.

But it's a gash across my soul and it's a very long way down.

At the end of the day, I can either lay down and give up, or I can kick and scream my way through and see if dreams really do come true.

And right now I'm choosing door number two. Because there's people who had it worse than me, like Corey Taylor, and still managed to make something of themselves, and there's people who got what they wanted and didn't become arseholes, like Jensen and Jared, who I so intend to be taught by, and people like Misha Collins who believe that good really can win the day and will literally run miles to prove it.

So yeah. Let's count the days, see how long this lasts :/

Laters

And on a happier note - I have followers :P

Knackered

It's been a long, long, loooooooooooong day. Long couple of days. A long week even...maybe.

Okay, so yesterday I went to the docs and my blood test results are consisten with polycystic ovaries so he's requesting an ultrasound just to make sure, and also I was a little lacking in iron but now that I eat meat again he said it should be okay.
So then I caught the bus into town and met Hope, Xander and his boyfriend Tom who has an outrageously scottish accent which is cool. We went to an italian pizza restaurant and then trecked round town and then I caught the bus to college at half four. I didn't leave college til eight cos of the receptionist training which went okay but was kinda nervewracking, I was so scared of fucking up.
I did some filing and some photocopying and stuff. So then I took the bus into town and met Giz and Dan at The Savoy (A pub in Swindon), then we went back to theirs and watched Cars and ate pizza...didn't go to bed til twelve...got up at seven am and played bejewlled on my phone so that I didn't fall back to sleep.
Walked to the bus which took about ten minutes or so, caught the bus to college and got there about quarter to nine. Went to lesson which was supposed to start at nine. First we were stood around for almost ten minutes waiting for someone to let us in the room.
Then they came and told us to go off until half ten cos there were some technicians in the room so I was hanging out with Dale, Sheriff, Sara and occasionally Cherry for an hour and a half.
So then we finally get into lesson about quarter to eleven cos there was a double booking with the room. Everyone who was supposed to be in G48 got G70 on their times tables and vice versa. Gotta love the organisational skills of college.
Then we got Ruth's lot of paper work, unit briefs etc.
Go off for another hour and a half cos we didn't have tutor today. Once again hung out with Sheriff and Dale, but this time we had Dale's partner Dan with us for some of it.
Anyways, then we got to Mary's lesson and got more paperwork, more unit briefs and more homework.
Found out that we need to take in £30 for course materials, preferably tomorrow, and that we will quite possible be going to Spain at some point, which in itself is gonna cost a bomb, but I don't have a passport yet.
God knows how I'm gonna pull that off.
Can't do anything cool unless you have money.

Oh and we have a little group going in photography it would seem. It's me, Dale, Sheriff (real name Dolcie), Sam (who I was a bit wary of on Monday but she's really nice, she shares my love of America), and I can't remember the other girls name but I think it was Simone or something like that.

I've decided that I dislike the guy called Kyle in our class. He makes me uneasy. And there's a couple of girls I don't particularly like. We had to do this icebreaker of telling two truths and one lie and then someone had to figure out which the lie was, and two of these girls, the best they could do was one of them said for their lie this is my natural hair colour, and then the other one said my natural hair colour is ginger.

I mean come on!

But yeah, I like Sam, she was really nice. Dale's awesome of course, so is his partner Dan, and Sheriff is cool too. The other girl sat on our table was nice, but I can't for the life of me recall her name.
I'll find out tomorrow.

My time table rocks. Mon - Gym 12-1 or 1-2 depending on the time, 6-8 Astronomy. Tue - Gym (see mon), 6-8 Human Physiology and Health. Wed - 9-12 photography with Ruth, 12-1 tutor with Mary, 1:30-4:30 Photography with Mary. Thurs - 9-12 photography with Mary, 12:30 - 3:30 photography with Ruth. Fri - 9:30-12:30 Photography with Ruth, 12:30 - 1 Tutor with Mary, 1-4 Photography with Mary.

And our first unit with Ruth, the first part of our brief is to design the front cover of a magazine with the issue topic of emotion, the second bit is to make an A3 piece, again with emotion. The A3 bit isn't allowed to be digital though, so it can be a painting :D

So not only do I get to take photo's, I get to paint as well. It's so cool!

And our brief with Mary is the effect nature has on man made things, the end bit has to be 6 black and white photographs. Not only that, this unit is completely FILM SLR and Dark Room stuff XD

I started panicking a bit today, my little demons (ha, or not so little), were like you can't do this. You're in way over your head dipshit!

But...Well there is no but, I'm still thinking that. I'm not gonna give up though. I told Mary about my...issues...so at least she's aware of it all so that if I start flying apart again, she knows what's going on before it's too late.

I got a session with my councilor Annie tomorrow at 4:30, we got some catching up to do.
Mary said I should make another appointment to see the mental health team if I start going back down that road. I'm hoping it doesn't come to that but I know it will. It always does.

At the end of the day, what does any of it matter? I mean that's the bottom line right? There must be some reason for us to be here, I don't believe in random chance, no random coincedences. There has to be a point to it all right? And I would think that that point, whatever it is, means that we have to do something that matters while we're here right?

But what does any of it matter when at the end of the day, we're gonna die. Sooner or later I'm gonna drop dead, and when that moment comes, what will any of it matter?

That's one of my biggest problems, I think. Right there. I THINK. I think I think too much. I think about things, and I mull everything over and over and over until I can't do it any more. And I can't stop myself either. I can't not think about everything.
And I just go through it all, all in my head and it's just spinning and spinning and bam. It's like the spinning of my thoughts goes faster and bigger and the force of this...inner tornado as it were, it starts tearing me to shreds.

Because when you really look at things, all there is is a shed load of random evilness.

Or maybe it's not random, maybe that's got something to do with the whole point of it all?? Evil is necessary but there's no higher good. I mean...there's no balance. Think of things in terms of scope or size or extremity (or is it extremeness?). Think of the really extreme evil things that have happened. The world wars, genocide, massacres, all throughout history, all the truly evil things man has done to one another. There's no good thing to match that extreme, y'know?

"There's so much evil in the world I feel like I could drown in it" - Sam Winchester, Houses of the Holy, Season Two of Supernatural.

When you say there's so much evil in the world, people turn around and say oh, well there's good too. Yeah, there is. But there's nothing as big. I mean, name one good thing that's as huge as WW2 or the great depression, or the witch trials or any of it.

There's nothing there. There's not an answer to that.

So what could I possibly do in this one life time to make up for that?? It's a timeless question that has now been turned into a cheesy, angsty, stupid line, but it still applies. "Why am I here?"

What could I do with my life that would make my life worthwhile. That would make me worthwhile.

And when I die, I'll be forgotten and nothing I would have done would mean anything anyway. Everyone's forgotten eventually.

Or even if their name's are remembered, their deeds aren't.

I might have gotten better at slapping on a smile, and I might have talked myself into trying even though I was born to fail, but my demons remain.

Demons you try to smother, try to push them down into a pit inside you that you think maybe you can close up, bury. But they always claw their way back to the surface, and they have no qualms about tearing you apart in the process.

Funny. I started this blog with the intention of not having rambling posts like this one...guess that part of me is here to stay no matter how many blogs I start with the plan of being a new person.

You can't change who you are. Not now, it's too late. All you can do is try and control the way you react to who you are.

And I'm not in control right now.

One of the things that sucks about being...whatever I am...is that even when things are going relatively well and you're relatively happy...you still don't feel in control.

Especially when you realise how much you still have to do. There's so much I have to do and I'm not just talking about the BTEC, I'm talking about my entire life. There's so much I still have to do, so much I gotta do right now and every second that goes by that I'm not achieving something momentous means I'm failing.

That might sound stupid but you know, whatever.

Anyways, I'm knackered and I think I've had enough angsty sharing for one day.

Later dudes
xXx

Back with routine

Okay, so had college today, thank GOD! I was getting so bored, dude! Like, tearing my hair out bored.

I hate being bored, boredom is the door for my demons.

I met an awesome dude called Dale and his boyfriend though for the life of me I can't remember his name.

My tutor's really nice so that's good and I was the most chatty person in the class although I think that's just cos I babble when I'm nervous and everyone else went quiet. I did win the icebreaker bingo though so that was cool.

Got my receptionist training tomorrow and then on wednesday LESSONS! YAY!...Just wait, in a coupld of weeks it'll wear off and I'll be like, damn, I have fucking college tomorror lol.

Nah, I get to do pretty much nothing but photography for the next two years so I'm happy. And then, hopefully, I get the next three years of doing nothing but film. Perfect :D

Oh, and I asked at student services and I can do two GCSE evening courses without having to pay for them.

And I'm signing up to the gym but it's £20 now instead of £10. Even so, that's way cheaper than actually joining a normal gym. Cos that's £20 for the entire year. Course it's only in the lunch time hours but still.

And I sent off my EMA application so that should happen soon. Little bit of money coming in, and hopefully I'll find out when I'm working tomorrow.

Things are looking up but I'm not gonna say that too many times cos usually when I say that everything goes all to hell.
Still, something's bound to go wrong at some point so I'm not gonna let it get to me when it does.

So that's all from me dudes.

Laters xXx

Another sunday

I have a headache. Probably cos I had some very vivid dreams last night.

I'm on the crew for band instead of playing keyboard cos I tried once at practice and it scared the shit outta me, so I'm just gonna help set things up.

So I gotta bandjob today. It's pretty grotty weather so we might get wet, but that's okay cos I actually like the rain :)

I was on twitter just a minute ago and this fucking person right, cos I'm following Corey Taylor on Twitter and as I'm sure anyone who has either read my blog or knows Slipknot, that their bassist, Paul Gray, died in may. So this person puts on Corey's twitter "Takin time out from sellin out? Fuck you and your druggy bassist".

What a dick! I mean, so you don't like Slipknot, fine. But what the fuck is the point of going on a site and saying something so fucking cruel?

There are some sick and nasty people in the world.

I'm trying not to let it get to me but I just can't believe someone could say something like that. Bet he wouldn't have the gall to say it to Corey's face though. Poor Corey man, that must have shit him up big time.

Some people have no fucking respect. It's bad enough slagging someone off on the net when they're alive but Paul's dead, how the hell could that dude say that?

I don't understand people. I really don't. I don't understand how some people are so beautiful, so kind and generous and selfless...and then you have vile little worms like that guy who get a kick out of messing with people.

It's people like that, that make me wanna shut myself off from the whole stinkin human race!

But I know not all people are like that. There are some amazing people and I wouldn't wanna miss them just because their are some poor excuses for human beings.

I honestly don't know where my belief levels lie in the story of Lucifer and his fall from grace, but seeing some of the awful things humans do, I can understand why he would refuse to love us more than God.

God, some people are such dicks! That's really pissed me off.

But, that's just one little cockroach.

So, anyways. I have induction day at college tomorrow, cannot wait! Not that I need an induction day since this is my fourth year studying there. But hey.

And on Tuesday I'm meeting up with Hope for a while, then I've gotta go to college for the receptionist training.

And then on Wednesday I have an appointment with the docs to discuss my blood test results.

After that, I really don't know, it all depends on when I actually start back at college. I have an appointment on the 13th to see the asthma nurse at the docs to test if I have asthma, but if that's my day back at college I may have to reschedule.

I've written out a whole timeline for Dead House. It's written in scenes but it's more like events.

And I got passed the bit that I was stuck on. Now I'm kind of stuck on another bit cos I can't think how to get this bit in, but I haven't actually tried writing it yet so maybe if I just start writing and see where it takes me.

I've got like 38 major events and one I wrote on paper to add in. On my timeline that's a scene for each so I've ended up with 38 Scenes, 39 when I've added the one I wrote on paper.

Most films have 22-25 scenes I think. I'm not sure, I'd have to check. Of course it doesn't really matter much at this stage, that's what editing and stuff is for. I'm sure the script will be chiseled down when there's actually more people working on it than just me.

I was starting to fall back into my pit of doubt. Thinking things like what's the point? Why am I even bothering to do this? It's never gonna happen, I'm never gonna get anywhere, I'm a talentless bitch etc, etc, etc.

I know most people have these doubts. Many fight through them, many don't. We all have to make a choice as to whether we give up or not.

I can't wait to get my tattoo done, just so I have a constant, permanent visual reminder that I chose not to give up. I came pretty close to throwing in the towel the other day but my mum talked me out of it.

So anyways, I'm gonna go do stuff.

Later

Twitter

Okay, so I have now got a Twitter account. Corey Taylor has one and I wanted to follow him on there so I had to create an account to, and now I have one.

I am @SSuzeQ13

So yeah. Twitter. Tweet.

Later

Dead House Planning

I don't know if what I'm doing right now counts as preproduction, but I took a load of photo's for the planning stages of Dead House, and put them on my facebook so I have a link for you non existant cyber buddies :P

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2055569&id=1187751839&l=ff5a369b4d

The actual link thing wouldn't work so just copy and paste it into the bar thingy up the top. o.O :/

So yeah.

I don't know if I mentioned this in a previous post yet but I know what I'm going as for Halloween. I know, I know, it's not for another month...but hey, Halloween is like...the best holiday EVER!

I am going as *pause for dramatic effect* ...


Bloody Mary!!! Everyone knows, or should know, the story of Bloody Mary. You go into the bathroom and turn out the lights and while looking in the mirror you say "Bloody Mary" three times, and she's supposed to come and scratch your eyes out.

I think there's a load of different ideas of why she does it. In Supernatural, she does it to anyone who has a secret where someone died. For instance, the stupid blonde bimbo who says it, Mary got her because she commited a hit and run and the little boy died. Mary left the victims names on the back of the mirrors.
And basically, Mary's story was that this guy called Trevor something killed her because she was going to tell his wife about their affair, and he took her eyes and he did all of it in front of a mirror but no one ever caught him.

So yeah, I'm going as Bloody Mary this year.

I will be taking photo's :)

My self doubt has been trying to gobble me up quite a lot the last couple of days. I've been stuck on the same bit of Dead House for ages. I can't seem to get past it for some reason.

I think I'm just gonna have to right a gap filler and edit it later. I think perfectionism is holding me back cos obviously I want the best lines and all that and because I can't think of one to get it moving again, I haven't written anything. But for the sake of finishing this and for the sake of what's left of my sanity, I'm gonna have to just plough through it and if it's a crap line then I'll sort it out later when I'm done.

But yeah. I think the main thing I gotta do as far as that's concerned is just force myself to write even if I'm not in the mood. Even if whatever I write comes out shit. As long as I'm writing.

After I've got the bits and pieces I need right now, I'm gonna save up for this wicked industry-used piece of software called Movie Magic Screenwriter. Because writing a script in word is a pain in the arse. If I had a bit of kit that would be set for writing scripts, I could focus more on the actual story and stuff rather than this should be spaced here and that should be in capitalse etc.

Anyways, like I said, gotta make myself work so on that note, I'm gonna go work :)

xXx

Zzzzzzzz

I am so tired for some reason.

So, I had my interview today for the receptionist job at college. I don't know if I've got it yet but it seemed to go pretty well.

I had a little nap when I came in and then I got on with the washing up and the bathroom so at least mum'll be happy.

Got a book from the college library on storyboarding so I'll have a proper look at that later.

I was thinking, now that I have my camera, I could take some pictures of the bits and pieces I have for Dead House so you (assuming of course that one day someone will actually view this blog) will have an idea of exactly what it is I'm doing.

I'll do that later, that'll probably be my next post.

What else? Oh yeah, I didn't have any smart looking jeans or trousers to wear to the interview today so I borrowed some off my mum, size 12! They were a bit tight but considering I was wearing 16s, that's good.

I weighed myself the other day and my starting weight was 11st 12lbs. I know, right? Lol. Anyways, so I weighed myself and I am 11st 3/4lbs. :D So I'm getting there.

I can get into a size 12 pair of jeans now at any rate so I'm happy.

Right, I'm gonna take these pics, I'll post em up later so...if there's anyone there in the world wide web, stay tuned :P

Laters xXx

Up Around The Bend

Is what I'm listening to. My dad gave me a load of Creedance Clearwater Revival tracks so :D

I've been playing around with my camera so I thought I'd put some photo's up.








The cat's called Smoky, the rat is Ratticus Rabies, and the others are just some macro shots I took to get to grips with the controls and everything.

I've got the interview for the receptionist at college tomorrow...and I have my induction day on monday.

Been busy today, blitzed the kitchen and finished up tidying my room. Should probably get a practice on my keyboard in today, and I gotta toddle off and get the washing in before it rains.

So yeah. Not much to update really.

Laters xXx

Almost September

Which means almost college time :P

I can't wait to be back at college man. The next two years doing pretty much nothing but photography XD That's the life!

I am SPECTACULACULAR!!!! Not only is my room pretty much finished but my mum got me a gooden today. She went down nanna's as usual and she was supposed to ask my grandparents if they would be willing to give me money for birthday and christmas to go towards my camera. Instead, she and Grandad Mike went into town and bought it XD. So I have a nice new quality canon camera. We're still asking everyone to give me money for my bday and xmas and then we'll just give it all to grandad mike.

And my dad worked his arse off getting my room up together. I swear to god, I have the coolest family ever :P

Yeah, they can be pains in the arse sometimes but...it's so worth it cos one thing that has to be said about my family is that when things go south, we're here for each other.

One thing about going through what this family's been through, it can either tear the family apart or it can bring it together, and ours has been lucky because we're pretty close now.

Oooh, and I did some research on the demon I've chosen for my main baddie and he's pretty cool.

My mum let me have the art table, so I have a proper place to draw out story boards and concept designs and stuff...I need to get some blue tack and masking tape though.

So yeah. Spectaculacular. XD Hope everyone reading this or not reading this, just everyone in general, hope everyone's having a good day :)

I'll probably post on tuesday after my job interview.

Later dudes xXx

Renewed determination

So today was a bad day. Everyone has them. But I just started thinking today, y'know, I could let it all get to me or I could just accept that I had a shitty day and just put it behind me.

I could do so much shit to myself to prove to that damned woman that I can fit their stupid criteria, it just made me feel so shit, like I obviously wasn't worth their help...my parents were furious and to be honest so was I. I've tried to kill myself twice, how the hell do I not fit their criteria?

But then I got to thinking. Why should I let me life go to hell again just cos some stupid bitch can't do her job right? Instead of trying to prove her wrong, I'm gonna fucking prove her right!!!

I don't need their pathetic attempts at therapy. I've got everything I need. I can sort through the shit in my head by myself.

If I keep giving up, I'm never gonna get anywhere, and that's gonna screw me up way more than the worthless feeling I have when they don't wanna help me.

I guess I'm just sick of letting stupid things get the better of me.

Not gonn ahappen anymore.

Later dudes xXx

One of those mornings

Okay so it's been one of those mornings.

I got a letter from the CMHT that's a copy of what they sent my doc, and it says "She was bright and alert at assessment and we feel does not fall into our criteria at this present time."
So much for finding out if I'm bipolar.

I got a letter from Jobseeker's allowance saying "We cannot pay you an allowance from 10 August 2010..."

So no jobseekers allowance...which means no money.

Now that I'm a full time student though, I might be able to claim either EMA or ALG.

And I have an interview at college for that evening receptionist job at 11am on Tuesday so...we'll see how that goes.

So, I can't get Season 3 of Supernatural which was gonna be my present for getting an A, I can't get my tattoo done and I can't get my camera, which I'm gonna need for a BTEC in photography.

I know the tattoo isn't such a big deal, I mean, it's only to remind me to keep going. Not important.

But my camera...I mean yeah, I wouldn't have been able to get it straight away on JS's anyway but that was supposed to give me a boost in saving up for it.

How the hell am I supposed to do a BTEC in photography without a decent camera? And I'm on trial as well...I'm gonna show up without a decent camera, that's gonna be a great fucking start!

I spilled water from the washing machine all over the floor, and the washing machine's not working and it made everything downstairs stop working too although I flicked the switch so now everything's back on except the washing machine.

So yeah...one of them days.

I'll post back when I'm in a better mood.

Later dudes. xXx

Home sweet home

So I'm back from college. A painful day hehe. I decided I'd try being a proper girl for once and wore heels...every time I wear heels it reminds me of why I always wear boots. Heels are a pain in the arse...or more to the point, the feet.

So, I got onto the Photography BTEC so I'm really happy about that. I'm not staying in Una's tutor though, which is kinda sad cos Una's a lovely lady and she's helped me a lot this past year.

And I'm on trial as it were for the BTEC. So I have to work majorly hard to make sure I show them I can do it.

Oh and I applied for a job at college as an evening receptionist so fingers crossed for that.

Anyways, I'm knackered

Later dudes xXx

Live from college

Well, I guess it's not really live but I'm at college so that's the title explained for ya.

The reason I'm at college right now is I'm getting courses for September sorted.

When I enroled, the woman signed me up for GCSE Core Science and GCSE Film Studies but the sheet of paper you get given when you come in to see your tutor, it had them, but it also had BTEC Photography, so Una, my tutor, is waiting for Santo who I think is head of photography to come out of a meeting to try and persuade him to let me do the BTEC. My former photography teacher Sam seems pretty open to the idea but it's Santo we have to convince. I hope to god he lets me do it cos that'll be awesome.

I wonder if I'll have time to do the two GCSE's along side it...cos that'll save me time in going onto Uni.

I don't know how long a BTEC is, I think it's two years. But if I can do that, it'll take a year off the time it takes me to get to AUCB so...I really hope this goes good. I have to go see Una again in a couple of hours after she's had a chance to talk to Santo. She said that Sam and Mary (the lecturer for BTEC) said that it was more likely for him to let me on the BTEC then the A level although I'm not entirely sure why, I think the BTEC focuses more on technique then analytical skills. Or something.

I don't know, we'll have to wait and see. Also, if I stay in Una's tutor group even if they let me do BTEC (I don't know they might change me) but assuming I stay in Una's, one of my mates from when I first started is in her tutor group too so I won't be totally larified :P

So yeah, I'll post back when I know more, which will be some time after 2, probably when I get home.

So yeah, catch you later dudes x

Addition

So my mum's happy I got an A...my sister can't even manage a well done. She's doing my head in at the moment so screw her. She's so fucking self-absorbed. It's all about her.

I know I might seem self absorbed because everything I write on here is something to do with me but...it's a blog. As far as I know that's what you're supposed to do on a blog.

But she can't even manage to be happy for me for passing my GCSE.

I'm kinda sad though because I told Jensen I was waiting for my results for photography, cos he's really interested in photography too and he wished me good luck, but because he had to delete his page, I can't tell him I got an A :(

And Jared said if I was worried I should take acting classes, and I can't tell him that college are doing an extra called 'College Production' where you can choose to act...

It just makes me sad that they were really down to earth regular guys that you could talk to and it was so nice to talk to them...and now I can't anymore. I know that a lot of people are like oh they're actors and they're hot and yadda, yadda, yadda, but they're such nice people behind all that and they really put you at ease so you feel like you've made a couple of good friends...so I feel like I've lost two good friends.

But...I'm determined that somehow, one way or the other, I'm going to work with them. Especially since Jensen said he wanted to do more directing as well.

It's kind of just inspired me to write a film about maybe two friends like, pen pals or something, that travel a long way to find each other and the things they have to get past and all that...maybe...I dunno. Y'know, one of them feel good films.

I've been able to get down main ideas for Dead House but for some reason I just can't actually write the script. I just go blank every time I try.

But I'm sure it'll come to me eventually. Maybe when I just get back in the routine for college and all that, I'll get going.

And I really think having a proper writing area in my room when it's all sorted will help as well.

Got my interview at college tomorrow. Well it's not really an interview, it's more actual enrollment. Like, getting my student ID and everything.

I'm actually looking quite forward to this year, actually, I'm looking forward to pretty much everything because like I've said previously, I'm in a stupidly healthy frame of mind.

Like, I dunno, it's like things that would have torn me down a few months ago just...they still effect me but not enough to cause me to break anymore. I've managed to keep holding it together and I'm feeling better than I have in years, like...more positive.

So yeah. I'm feelin' pretty gooooooooood. Hope ya'll are feeling good too.

Later dudes.

x

Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind

So it turns out I didn't need to worry about my photography GCSE after all. Not only did I pass it, somehow, don't ask me how, I managed to get a fucking A of all things!

I have absolutely no idea how I managed it but I am so happy. I nearly burst into tears when I opened the envelope and saw the mark cos I convinced myself I had failed and I did like a double take and then I was like...this can't be right.

So that puts my GCSE count to three, doing another three this year and then hopefully, fingers crossed, I can go on to do the Creative and Media Diploma next year. And then off to Uni. I hope.

A girl I met through a friend today bluetoothed me Jensen singing so I now have that as my ringtone. He's singing with another guy who I think is Jason something, that's who he usually sings with. It's a good song actually, I rather like it :P

Um what else? Oh yeah, I think I'm finally cracking down on the actual plot for Dead House. It's coming along :P The only sad thing is that I've filled up my notebook, I had this chunky notebook dedicated solely to Dead House, and now it's filled up so I have to use my Angels and Demons notebook instead. Doh.

But yeah, plot's almost done. It might change a bit in the writing but so long as I know vaguely what I'm doing, I can figure it out.

Watched one of my favourite episodes of Supernatural last night and I had the commentary on and it was Eric Kripke (Creator of Supernatural and Director of episode in question), and he was pretty funny. It was highly educational actually. Oh, the episode was S2E20, 'What is and what should never be'.

The book I've got on making short films says one of the best ways to learn is to watch things with the commentary on. So I'm gonna go through my films with the commentary's on.

Oh and the post title is Nickelback lyrics, to the song If today was your last day...I think.

Later dudes
x

Three little birds

"Don't worry about a thing, cos every little thing is gonna be alright."

- Three Little Birds, Bob Marley

Man, I should have that tattooed across my arm or something because it's my mantra at the moment.
Just got reminded by a mate on facebook that gcse results are released tomorrow. I only did photography, if I fail this GCSE then I'm gonna be ultra gutted.

I did fine as far as concepts are concerned but I'm worried I'll get marked down because I didn't really pay much attention to the technological terminology like F stops or macro or anything.

I'm really into photography so I really don't wanna fail this. Besides, if I fail it, I won't be able to do A Level photography, which I really wanna do next year.

My moods have been up and down all over the frickin shop this week. One minute I'll be fine and relatively cheery and the next my heads spinning and I'm wondering what the fuck I'm playing at even attempting to do anything I wanna do.

I mean...dreams are just that, right? Dreams!

But then I sort of shake myself out of it and somehow convince myself to keep trying.

Oh my god...I've just had a massive idea for Dead House, so I gotta go write!!!

Laters dudes xX

Sunday

I have a distinct lack of interesting titles at the moment.

So, I had a fantastic day yesterday, got some new shoes (heels of all things, I went to get boots and got boots but heeled boots...which is so not usually what I go for but they were just so cool) and not only did I get some headphones, but I got an MP3 player to go with it thanks to my lovely mother :D

So we did the stuff in town, then we went to see The Sorcerer's Apprentice, which was awesome, Nicholas Cage was FANTASTIC! And it had some very amusing bits in it. So after that we went to Pizza Hut and I swear to god, their Toffee Apple Crumble is just...super spectaculacular :P

Unfortunately I ate too much and had way too much excitement cos when Andy was driving us home I had to pull him over. I wasn't actually sick thank god, but it was cutting it close. So I gets back in the car and then we start driving again and when we get to the round about in cricklade that goes to Purton I was like just pull over and I'll walk. So I did.

And I got home and spent like an hour sat next to the toilet and then decided fuck this, it's so not what I wanted to do with my night, so I got my laptop and I got the disc of season three of supernatural and I went to bed.

I'm just chuffed I didn't throw up.

I still don't feel top dollar but I'm okay now :)

But yeah, yesterday was brilliant.

Oh, and mum said I could have her season's of supernatural :P Which means I don't have to buy one and two, I can start straight from three XD

My mum rocks :P

The stuff for my room is coming tomorrow and my beds coming on friday so next weekend we're gonna finally finish up my room :P

Hopefully when I can spread out more I'll get more work done.

Anyways, I'm gonna go watch the special features for Dead Silence and then probably watch it again and then supernatural. Mum's out for a band job and dad's in his room so I'm left to my own devices :P

Laters x

Saturday

7:35 AM on a fucking saturday morning man, I must be outta my mind lol.

It's mum's fault. She got me up at quarter to. We're going into town on the stupidly early bus of 20 past 8.

And then after we've done a few bits in town we're gonna go see the sorcerers apprentice.

I ended up in a really foul mood after Kay went last night, but I'm feeling a little better now. Gonna get some headphones today, yay, finally.

Since I haven't actually done anything yet today, I don't really have much to update on. I'm really gonna kick myself into doing some work when I get home from town.

Hopefully when I've got all my furniture and I've properly sorted out my room, I'll be more motivated to work because I'll be able to spread out better and be able to see what I'm actually doing.

I'm not sure which version of Dead House to write first but I don't really need to make the decision yet because the changes in direction don't happen til later on. They've only just got inside the manor so I've gotta a while. I'll probably just see where this one takes me.

I took Dantalian out of actual demon legend so I'm gonna do some research on him later, see if I can find anything to add.

Anyways, away I go.

Laters x

Dead Silence

So I watched Dead Silence, like I said I would, and I think it was a good film, it was definitely interesting. The soundtrack was good and I think it was great that it was a good old fashioned ghost story not a blood and guts orgy.
It had an interesting thing where just before Mary Shaw (the ghost) attacked, all sound would stop, which was really cool.
And the face effect of the victims was awesome, like how their face goes after Mary got them, it was really cool, so yeah that'll definitely be going in my film collection.

So apart from Dead Silence, I also watched the first disc of Season Three of Supernatural and it was awesome. I must admit though, that the first episode was a little...off. I don't know, it's kind of hard to explain but it seemed a little jolted, like it didn't really fit together very well. Don't get me wrong, it was a good episode but...Also, I didn't like the Tamara girl or whatever her name was, I don't think she was a very good actress.

But I still loved it. Episode three was brilliant. Sam was hilarious when he lost the rabbits foot so he was getting all this bad luck and he lost his shoe and caught his arm on fire and fell over and knocked the waiters tray everywhere. And then Dean's epic line of "I'm batman"...oh it was brilliant.

Mum ordered the stuff for my room today as well, so I can finally finish getting my room up together, it's gonna be awesome. Also, she's letting me have her art table and she's having my computer table so I'll finally have somewhere decent to paint...which is awesome.
And I'm having a proper desk, like we've got this big bit of wood that we're gonna put over two cabinets to make and extra big desk so I can spread out more when I'm working. It's gonna be so immense, and we're getting a book shelf, which is fantastic because right now all my books are piled up everywhere, I swear it looks like a miniature version of Bobby's (supernatural fans will know what I mean :P)

Oh, and a bed frame. Right now I have a matress on the floor cos my wooden bed was busted. So I'll be able to put things under my bed so for once I might actually end up having a relatively respectable room for once. I swear, everyone thinks that teenage girls and young women are supposed to be like...totally OCD with tidying their rooms. Not me. I'm a total slob. Well...I'm not a TOTAL slob...I'm just not exactly the cleany fairy.

I just always seem to have too much stuff for the amount of furniture and storage, so I always end up with things piling up. Especially paper. I write bits of stories and films and stuff down and then I have stacks of papers and they fall off my computer table and then I end up having them stacked on the floor and it just ends up a big pile of mess. I'm surprised nothing has spontaneously combusted yet haha.

I've been having some really 'off' moods recently. But I was ready for them. The last few weeks I've been stupidly cheery and determined and optimistic, and any time that happens, there's always gonna be the come down.

That's part of why I suspect I'm bipolar. Not because I HAVE mood swings because everyone has them, but because of how big they are.

It's not just the moods anymore though. I mean, for the last few days I've been on a come down from my 'manic' stage, but it's getting worse. The last couple of nights I've been have dreams where I've started self-harming again. I'm not planning on doing that ever again but...As any self harmer out there will know, when you've been there, and the thoughts in your head again, it's a bitch to get out.

I think one of the reason's I like the Winchester brothers so much is that in a way I can kind of relate to them. I mean I know they're fictional, I'm not that crazy, but it's not the whole demon thing, it's their characteristics as people. I mean, everyone finds something in the characters they watch or read about that they can relate to, that's what makes you have a connection so you can care about what happens to them...otherwise there would be no reason for you to pay attention to the story.

Well, I can relate to Dean because of his issues with not having a proper family, and for his feelings that he's tired of the fight. Dean tries to make jokes out of things when he's scared or upset, I do the same thing except I get sarcastic and cynical because I really suck at humour.
Dean values family, so do I. He has a proper sense of what's right and what's wrong and even though sometimes the line seems blurred, his hearts in the right place. I don't know if my heart is but I do know that I'm very passionate when I'm talking about right and wrong. I think one of the saddest bit in season one is in Skin because even though it's the shapeshifter talking, he's using information he's read from Dean's mind, about feeling like a freak and being alone. It's obvious from several episodes that Dean has abandonment issues. So do I. Dean doesn't want to be alone and neither do I.

Sam I relate to on a totally different level. Sam just wanted to be normal for once, he wanted to have a normal, happy life. That's what I want sometimes. Also there's the whole thing that he's scared of becoming evil. Him and Dean have spent their whole lives killing evil, and when he starts getting his psychic abilities and later on when he finds out why, he's terrified of becoming what he's hunted. I've never hunted evil but becoming evil, even if it's not in the demonic way that Sam does, is something I fear every day.

I'm kind of in the middle of Sam and Dean. Sam is a lot more emotionally open than Dean is. Dean bottles everything up because he thinks he has to. He thinks that as long as Sam's safe, that's all that matters. It's not till later that Sam starts bottling things up too.
I'm a lot more emotional than Dean is but I do what Dean does. When Dean gets emotional, he usually ends up getting pissed off rather than sad and depressed. When I was little I used to cry all the time. The slightest thing of someone being mean to me or something bad, and I'd cry. But then I guess something changed and instead of crying, I got angry. I think that's another thing I can relate to with Sam. He says at one point to Dean that he can't stop getting angry for no reason. I mean, yeah, it's different for Sam because his demony stuff but I get really angry for no reason as well.

Having a totally awesome chat with Kay. It's amazing the change in relationship. We used to totally do each other's heads in, we'd be like bitching at each other all the time, like you literally couldn't have us in the same room without one of us starting on the other, but now we're pretty close.

I think that's another thing that I like about the Winchesters. Their relationship. I mean the shit they go through and how much they look out for each other, even when in the later seasons they kind of fall apart (I'm assuming from clips as I haven't actually seen the later seasons yet), they still have an amazing relationship. I wish I was that close to my sisters.

I think the person I'm closest to in the whole world is my mum. She's literally my best friend. That's one thing I can't imagine having in common with Sam and Dean. They lost their mother and that's how everything got set in motion. I can't imagine ever losing my mum. She's the rock in my life.

If you don't wanna have any Supernatural spoiled then stop reading.

Oh my god, the second episode of Season three that I watched today, there were these changeling things and Dean met this kid called Ben who for a while he thought was his cos he had a fling with the woman eight years before and it was Ben's eigth birthday, and Ben was actually like a mini Dean, he loved ACDC and everything. But anyways, the changeling mother thing gets Ben and replaces him with a changeling boy who looked like Ben so Dean and Sam went to rescue the kids. Anyways, Afterwards, the woman assures Dean that Ben's not his because she had a blood test done and all that and Dean looked really disappointed.

So anyways, at the end of Season Two, Dean sold his soul to bring Sam back from the dead, so he only has a year to live and he said to the woman something about when you're gonna go you wonder what you're gonna leave behind besides a car.

So it's really sad. I mean, it's obvious from the previous episodes that family is everything to Dean, and now he's gonna die in a year and he hasn't had the chance to have his own family. It's really sad.

My mum swears I'm obsessed...I mean, I might be a little cos I was retarded enough to put Dean singing as my phone ringtone but...I'm really not.

Supernatural cheers me up, that's all. I mean...It's kind of hard to explain. Maybe I'm a clingy person who reads too much into things, but Dean and Sam...they're symbolic. Right now, I really need to believe in what's good in this world and Sam and Dean, Jensen and Jared too actually, they represent 'good'.

The way I think, my view of life...it's drowned and stained with the shit that happens, what some people go through and I look at the world and all I see is bad stuff happening.

But here's something I can watch where these two guys fight the good fight...and yes, I am fully fucking aware that it's fiction. That's not the point.

Especially as so far as I've seen, Jared and Jensen themselves are good people.

I get obsessed with things and people quite a lot but it's not like...crazy psycho stalker obsessed. It's more... I don't know, maybe it's because I'm socially retarded. In average day to day life, I feel... I don't know, isolated I guess. My life is pretty empty at the moment. So 'exploring' people is all I can do. It gives me that window into...I guess life.

I don't know, I get attached way too easily I guess.

Anyways, for some reason, every time I've been close to losing it again I've watched Supernatural or the bloopers, and it's just...chilled me out and calmed me down.

I could've decked my sister the other day though. Giz not Kay. I said something about Supernatural and she called me pathetic in a really...it was that kind of tone of voice that's really fucking derogatary (sp).

It really made me mad.

But yeah I think I've rambled enough for today. It's gone one in the morning but unfortunately I just had a load of caffeine so I'm kinda stupidly awake now...but now. I'm the kind of awake that you want to sleep but can't so you're eyes hurt but you can't sleep.

It's annoying. But oh well. The problem I have when I get into one of these non sleeping but sleepy moods is that it's usually the time I start thinking too much about things.

Me and mummy are going to the cinema tomorrow to see the Sorcerers Apprentice. So I'll probably post when I get home tomorrow...actually it is tomorrow...so I'll probably post later today :P

So yeah.

Laters.

Fire of Unknown Origin

Is what I happen to be listening to right now. It's a good song by Blue Oyster Cult.

One of the fantastic things about watching Supernatural, aside from the wicked storylines and the great humour and the brothers of course, is that the creator has the same kind of music tastes I do, so I keep picking up awesome songs from the soundtrack :P

I got the first disc of Season 3 from LoveFilm today XD

And a film called Dead Silence, which I'm sure I'll post about when I've seen it.

My cousins were round yesterday and we had such a good laugh, we were like, pissing around with the camera and recoding little videos and stuff, and we all ended up with headaches from laughing so much.

We also came up with a horror film we're gonnat try making when I can get hold of a decent camera. I'm gonna be this psycho killer and kill Peter, and Sabi said she would hold the camera cos she doesn't wanna be in it. So I've gotta write a mini script for it at some point.

Lol, there's a bit in Season 2 where Dean sings this REO Speedwagon song as they're driving and I found it on youtube and recorded it onto my phone so I could set it as my ringtone. It's hilarious.

My phone sucks though cos I can't put anything decent as my message alert, but I'm thinking when I get a job that I'll get a contract phone and specifically ask for one I can change. I want a flip phone. I love flip phones.

I still haven't done anything more on Dead House. It's really getting me down, man. But I'm trying not to let it bother me cos the more I stress about it the more I won't be able to do anything. So I'm just gonna chill out and see if inspiration will decide to strike.

Anyways, I got houseword to do and Dead Silence to watch so I'll catch y'all later.

Misery loves company

I'm in a miserable mood, but my cousins are coming round today so I'm sure that'll cheer me up.

I found some awesome songs on Youtube last night, a few of which are really emotional, especially this one by Plum called Cut. Most of the music I listen to has male singers, so it's rather refreshing to have such an awesome song sung by a woman.

There was another female sang one which I'm not sure of the name but the chorus is something along the lines of "beating like a hammer...Help I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer."

Anyways, actually I'm a little cheered up already :)

I've had a few ideas for Dead House. Haven't worked on it for a while which is really bad but I kinda totally lost my inspiration.

I've decided to do several variations because I can't decide on the ending. So, I'm going to do a variation where they escape and run to the town but Dantalian follows and that's when the 'apocolypse' starts. Then I'm gonna do a variation where they don't leave the house and everyone dies except CJ. And I'm gonna explore a variation where they actually destroy Dantalian.
I'm also gonna explore the option of my character going a little nuts and killing Witheero, only to set Dantalian completely free and he kills her for the favour.

So yeah, I gotta a lot of work to do.

Laters xx

4th running

Watching Devour for I think the fourth time. I rented it from LoveFilm so I'm sending it back after I've finished watching it.

Meeting with the CMHT yesterday went okay I guess...she said I'd get a letter.

Then my sister Kay bought me coffee, and then her fiance Andy met up with us and we went for lunch and then Andy went back to work and we went back to their place and hung out and then when Andy came home we had dinner and watched Troy and then Andy took me home.

It was a really nice day. I felt like a normal person.

When you're sat in your room pretty much all day every day, you stop feeling like a person. You get isolated. After a while you don't care about socialising...it even gets kinda scary thinking about socialising.

So it was nice to break that. I felt...real I guess.

Aww...Jensen's crying :(

Anyho, so I got a few chores to do so I'm gonna finish Devour and then get on with it.

Oooh, before I finish, I was killing time at the library yesterday morniing while I was waiting for Kay, and I found a book, I forget it's name but it's by Anne Rice. I've never read any of her books, though I've seen couple of the movies, but this one really caught me. It's about an assassin who wants out of that life and meets an angel or something.

So that's it for now.

Laters x

Devour (Spoiler Alert!)

Okay, I'm back. I hate summer holidays, cos my life pretty much devolves into nothing but posting on websites. This and Facebook is pretty much my only social life at the moment. Which just sucks out loud.

It's a beautifully sunny day and I'm in a randomly cheery mood. Jobseekers went okay, but I broke my headphones. Not really bothered though cos they were shit anyway.

Okay, so Devour. This will involve spoilers so you have been warned. It was a good film although at times it seemed a bit disjointed. One of the things I liked most about it was that it wasn't a gorified horror film. What I mean is that it wasn't jam packed with stupid amounts of blood and guts and trying to make it look as real as possible. And for some reason I've just gone totally blank on how to spell possible.
It was a cult horror which was nice because I haven't actually seen that many cult horrors. It had an interesting plot as well. Basically this guy called Jake (played by Jensen Ackles), his best friend Conrad introduces him to this game called The Pathway, which takes your details and then gives you weird things to do.

They soon find out that The Pathway is seriously fucked up and Conrad and Dakota end up dead because of the game after committing some kind of crime. (Though admittedly the people they commited the crimes against were arseholes).

Anyways, after meeting this beautiful girl and realising after his uncle is killed that the game has something to do with Satan, Jake goes in search of answers and finds out that the people who he thought were his parents aren't and they actually stole him from Satan herself, his true mother. So, he freaks but goes after her and she's killed his fake parents and then reveals that she was the beautiful girl he was falling for (which is really fucked up when you think that he had made out with her and everything).

She tries to convince him to come back to her and do the whole prince of hell thing but he refuses so she makes it look like he killed his parents and he's arrested.

The great thing about the ending is that when he's getting arrested, Jake's doing a voice over and says something like 'Maybe they're right, maybe there is no Pathway and I made it all up for all the terrible things I had done'. So it kind of leaves it to you to decide whether he really was the son of Satan or whether he was just a psycho who imagined it all.

I like the way they portrayed Satan as well, when she's in her 'true' form, she's like this dark beast that looks like a cross between a faun and H R Gieger's Alien.

And I love the fact that they made Satan a woman. Jake said that she seduced people with the game. It makes so much more sense for Satan to be a woman when you think that Satan is trying to get people to commit sin. What better way than seduction? After all, if you go from the bible, when the serpent tricked Eve into eating the apple from the tree of knowledge, she then tried to get Adam to eat too.

And if you're dead, who are you gonna follow? A nice guy, or an amazing hot woman?

Men would follow the woman because...she's a woman. Women would follow her because women feel safer with other women.

That's horrendously generalising but still true.

I also liked the fact that the two sex scenes weren't very hardcore. One of them, they didn't even get naked and the other one they both got shot midway so... :P

One of the sex scenes was between Dakota and Jake and I got the feeling that Jensen wasn't very comfortable doing it. He seemed tense.

One bit really made me giggle. Conrad, Dakota and Jake are celebrating Jake's birthday and they're asking each other questions, like you do, and Dakota says "What was your weirdist family holiday".
The film opens with Jake having what he calls a 'waking nightmare' because what he sees is too awful to call daydreams, and he keeps getting these visions throughout the film.
So he's telling them about this one time at Thanksgiving when he was building his mum a ramp (cos she's in a wheelchair), and the Father's round and smiling at him and he has a hammer in his hand and he says all he could think about was bashing the Father's head in, and then his parent's heads, and then half the people he knew. And then he says "I thought wow, what else would I like to do, and all this crazy shit went through my head" and Dakota says "Then what happened?" and bearing in mind that all this has been said with all serious gravity and everything, Jake just goes "I went inside and we all ate turkey."

It's one of those things that's funnier when you see it yourself. It's just how everything was so serious and you're thinking oh my god, where is this leading to, what did he do? and then he just says that.

Anyways, so yeah, that was Devour. I'm not saying it was like one of those "Oh my god such a fantastic film" movies, but it was good enough to be added to my DVD collection.

I said I'd update about Uni courses as well. I was telling mum about the Acting and Stage Combat course and she said that it didn't sound like the right course for me and I was thinking..I think she might be right.

I mean I do really, really wanna act but I wanna know what I'm doing as a director as well. I mean, loads of people have done acting without doing a degree in acting. I was thinking I could take a degree in something like Film Production and take acting classes on the side.

There's still the BA in Film Production at the Arts University College of Bournemouth to think about.

I mean I guess as long as I take something to do with film then it's all good.

There were some awesome things on that acting course that I'd love to do, like horse riding and Aikido and Archery, but if I'm going to do a degree, I should do one that's really gonna be productive and you know...a step towards my career and everything, and I think because of the different aspects of film making I wanna do, a degree in Film Production is the best way to go because it involves a little of everything.

But it doesn't really matter quite yet. I don't need to worry about Uni until I'm applying and that's not for another three years so...All I need to focus on right now is getting through these last GCSE's and finding a job.

I already know what most of my money's gonna be going on. My DSLR. I really, really, really wanna get one. I've wanted one for ages and I'm not gonna put it backseat anymore. I'm gonna put as much aside as I can and only get what I really need while I save up. I'm gonna get a Canon. There's a nice bundle for just under £400 in Argos at the moment which is fantastic for starting up, it includes a Canon 1000D with an 18-22mm (I think) lens, a camera bag and a 4G memory card.

Perfect for beginners.

So anyways, I've talked about everything I wanted to talk about, I have chores to do for mummy so I'll catch y'all later...which is hilarious to write considering there's no one actually reading this blog as far as I'm aware.

But hey...it's just like a technological way of talking to myself XD

Laters Self xXx

Type

I have to type fast because I have to go get the bus so if there's a myriad of spelling and grammmat mistakes, I do apologise, but I don't have time to go through and check.

I'm on my way to sign on with Job Seekers so that I get a little help moneywise until I can find a job I can live with while I'm at college.

I really wish I could just get out there and start making films, because I have so many ideas, but I guess I have to be patient.

I watched The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus, and thought it had a good plot idea and good special effects, I didn't like that there was so much 'common violence' in it, like thug-ness if that makes sense.

I also watched a film called Devour, which I will post about later because there's quite a bit about it that I want to discuss.

Um what else can I say in the two minutes before I go for the bus?

I have my appointment with the CMHT tomorrow morning so I'll post after with how that went.

Um, I think I posted about swimming and Tae Kwon Do, I'll check later and if I didn't I'll post again.

Ooh, I also have to update on Uni courses.

I've gotta go for the bus now so anything I've left out I will add later when I post about Devour.

So yeah, that's it and I'll be back in a few hours.

Laters xx

Just keep swimming

So I went swimming today, like I said I would. I didn't chicken out at all, I was worried that I would because it was actually pretty terrifying the idea of going swimming again.

I've actually been rather active today, I cleaned the kitchen, I got out and did some of the garden with my nan and dad, I went swimming and I'm about to go down the highstreet.

Not too bad for me :P

Can't do Tae Kwon Do yet. Kay wants to be fitter so it won't set her asthma off.

Giz didn't bring Supernatural Season 2 back so I can't watch it :(

Too tired to write anything else so that's all.

xXx

Inner Demons

I'm determined to change the way I see life. My views have been negative for so long that it's hard to break that cycle.

Inner demons are very persuasive and very bitchy. In fact, they're almost like petulant children. They scream at you all your faults and flaws and then stamp their feet and scream louder when you try to ignore them.

If my inner demons were children, they're the kind of kids you would have to slap on the wrist daily. Probably even hourly.

They're not innocent enough to be children though. They're nasty sons of bitches and they're strong. I used to believe that they were stronger than me and all I could do was give up and let them have their way.

Like if I decide that life's worth living and I don't wanna die, my demons will tell me that I'm chickening out, that I'm too much of a coward to kill myself.
If I say to myself I can handle this, I can do it, they'll tell me I've already blown it. I'm 18 and I'm behind most 16 year olds, I've wasted my life so far. 18 years is a long time, 18 years on this planet and what have I got to show for it?

A couple of minor demons raised their ugly heads the other day, I think it was thursday. My most common demons. They call me fat and ugly. No chance of being an actress, they say, far too fat, far too ugly, no one would want to see you on their screen.

My mum told me that I'm not fat, and I'm not ugly. I just need to take better care of myself.

As stupid as this may sound, I'm not sure I know how to do that. I mean...I spent a long time trying to look after myself mentally, building my defences, my barriers and my walls...that I ignored the physical. Now I'm paying for it. Not as much as I will if I don't start looking after myself now though.

People look at me and some have said it must be good to not give a shit what you look like, to wear whatever you want and just not care.

But the problem is, I do care. I spend a long time every single day worrying about how I look.

And I don't mean standing in front of a mirror for hours every morning getting ready.

That bit I honestly don't give a rats ass about.

I don't particularly like mirrors. I look in one and suddenly I feel hatred. More hatred than I feel for anything or anyone else.

I've had irrational moments where I just wanna tear away my face, literally, I've had waking nightmares of actually carving my face. I figured a tonne of scars would be an improvement. I'm glad I never went through with that but again, my demons will say it's just cos I'm a coward.

Well you know what? I'm not a fucking coward. I'm not stupidly brave but I'm definitely not a coward.

And y'know, I could look a hell of a lot worse and be a hell of a lot fatter and yes, I could be skinnier and a damn sight better looking, but that's okay.

I can lose weight, and I can take better care of myself, and I'm gonna do both of those things. I'm gonna turn my life around.

And you know what? I think living even when you're terrified most of the time, is a lot braver than killing yourself.

People say that suicide is the coward's way out. I don't believe that. I think that's taking away the different kind of courage that suicides have...or had.

But living is definitely not cowardice, and it's fucking hard work. Sometimes it's so hard you don't think you'll make it.

But you gotta look at the little things. The little achievements. Something as simple as saying, I didn't feel like doing anything but I still went down the street and got the cat food.

I felt like shit but I still went into town.

Every big achievement is made up of a load of small ones and it's easier to have a tonne of little goals than one fuck off big one.

I'm not even sure what my fuck off big goal is but I know what all my little ones are and yeah, some of them have to wait. But there are ones I can do right now and they'll be big steps for me.

Just the fact that I didn't just quit college altogether, that I'm going back in September to get my final GCSE's, that's pretty huge if you think about it.

I may have dropped a long way from the potential people said I had when I was a little girl, but I've come a long way since I landed and yeah there's still a ways to climb, but someone must have slipped me a metaphorical energy shot cos I'm climbing again.

There are people out there who have climbed their way up from having less good and more shit to deal with than me, and they did it. They turned their lives around, they didn't give up and they made it.

If they can do it, so can I.

I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with my demons, I know that. But you know what? My inner demons can kiss my fat ass cos I ain't being their punch bag any more.

They may have won a few major battles but I'm the one who's gonna win this war!

Feelin' like a monday...

... But someday I'll be Saturday night!

I feel like crap physically; Lack of sleep + feeling like I'm gonna hurl everytime I move + a day in town yesterday = not getting out of bed until half one in the afternoon.

Job Seekers went okay, some jerk tried backing his car into me and the guy at the tattoo shop said he tattoos on wrists and mine should cost around £60 but he wouldn't know for sure until we had it properly drawn up.

Haven't done any full on work for days :( I was trying to figure out things on thursday night and realised exactly how much work still has to be done on Dead House.

For one thing, I've completely changed the plot, I mean the basics are still the same but so much of it has changed.

I've gone from having over 15 characters to having 7 - which means I have to re-allocate the dialogue.

I'm taking out most of their weapons. Which means I need some other way of keeping them alive long enough to find out about everything.

I was looking through a book my mum got me on short film making and realised that I had only been using like three different shot sizes when there are like eight main ones. I was just using CU, MS and LS mostly.

The full list is ECU, BCU, CU, MCU, MS, MLS, LS, ELS. And that's just like for scripting purposes, it changes a lot when you're actually filming.

Jensen said I shouldn't worry too much about camera angles in the scipt because a lot gets changed during filming so that's something I guess.

It's just I had completely forgotten about MCU and that's what a lot of my shots are so I have to go through everything I've already written and change it.

Storyboarding sucks cos I can't draw it the way I envision it in my head.

It's just...It seems that no matter how hard I try, it just seems stupid to believe that I can actually make it happen someday, that I can actually do it. Like I'm setting myself up for disappointment.

I can't wait to get my tattoo done. To have that reminder there to see always. To remind me that I made the choice. I said to myself this is it, this is what I want and I'm not backing down til I get it, I'm not giving up.

I feel like giving up right now. But I'm not going to. I know that this mood will pass. Sure, it'll be back again and because of who I am, I'll probably get these moods for the rest of my life. I just have to fight through them.

I have the appointment with the CMHT on Tuesday, see if they can help.

Ooh, I got a swimming costume yesterday. I have not been swimming since I was like...in year 6! I'm not too good at swimming but it's said to be one of the best forms of exercise so...I'm going on Sunday. I'm determined not to chicken out.

Oh and I might possible get a job working at a club on Friday and Saturday nights. A small job is better than no job, but we'll have to wait and see.

Oh and apparently I'm eligable for jobseekers just until I go back to college. But hey, that's a little bit of money at least.

So yeah, that's the update.

Later xXx